Why do you need them?
by FlameOfIllumination
Summary: Starts off where "Problems" left off. Nicole is faced with what she did, and Brooke is faced with something she never guessed.
1. Awakening into Dreams

**I was looking through my older stories and came across this one. I like this story, but I can see some huge flaws. I thought I might try and rewrite it, beginning with this new and improved first chapter. Any comments, criticism etc would be more than welcome.**

Nicole Julian was drunk, achingly, ragingly drunk. Eyes blurred, head aching, she welcomed the sudden silence as her car rolled to a stop. Everything went black. When she woke, minutes later, it was to the sound of rain pelting down on the roof.

_Brooke…oh god…Brookie. What did I do? _

From somewhere nearby she could hear Spam crying, could hear sirens and the crunch of booted feet on broken glass.

Nicole let her head drop forward, pillowed against the steering wheel.

**I walk a lonely road  
The only one that I have ever known  
Don't know where it goes  
But it's home to me and I walk alone**

"Nicole? Nicole open the door. Open the door please Nicole."

_What? I…what? _

Slowly, Nicole forced her eyes open. Blood ran from a cut on her forehead down the right side of her face. Her eyelashes were matted together with blood.

"Come on Nicole. Open the door. We need to check on you."

Grimacing, Nicole wound down her window slightly. "Fuck off," she slurred. The alcohol was quickly wearing off, to be replaced by the knowledge that she'd hit her head pretty hard when her car, swerving, had hit the telegraph pole it was currently embedded in. Rain poured in the open window, and through the cracked windshield.

Nicole Julian passed out; just as the ambulance, carrying Brooke McQueen left the accident site.

* * *

"Oh Nicki."

"Brooke?" Nicole looked around. She was on a beach, it was a cloudy day and the water was grey/green and fierce. Brooke sat cross legged on the sand, smiling welcomingly.

"C'mere," Brooke coaxed, holding her arms out.

Nicole grinned, widely, impossibly. Her heart lifted, so happy she felt like singing. She took one step, one solitary step towards the other blonde and felt the world tilt and twist beneath her perfectly manicured feet.

The sand began to run away beneath her. A burst of pain shot through her from her left foot, all the way up to her thigh. Brooke smiled, and continued to gesture welcomingly as Nicole began to sink into the sand, painful foot first.

"C'mere Nicole…Nicole Julian."

* * *

Gasping, Nicole woke.


	2. Get In There

**Next Chapter. Not very long, or interesting but its here.**

Sam Macpherson sat in the hospital waiting room, alone for the moment. Mike and Jane were both pacing outside Brooke's door, and Harrison, Mary Cherry; etc had all left, after much persuasion.

At that moment a doctor entered the room, glancing around quickly and coming over to Sam.

"Sam, Sam Macpherson?" he asked.

"Yes that's me" Sam stood up, clearing her throat.

"Follow me please"

Sam hurried after the doctor his nametag said Doctor Stevens.

Doctor Stevens lead her over to where Mike and Jane were standing, and Sam hugged them both.

"Well, I must say your daughter was very lucky. She suffered some broken ribs, bruising and a broken leg, but other than that she is fine. She's still sleeping at the moment, but the minute she wakes up, you can go in and see her.

Sam sighed in relief and exchanged smiles with the adults.

Sam was relieved that Brooke was okay, and quickly extracted a promise from Mike and Jane that she could visit Brooke first.

The waiting time seemed to fly by, and before she knew it Sam was being ushered into a hospital room.

"Brooke" she said.

"Hi Sam" Brooke said, smiling faintly.

"Are you alright?" Sam said seeming to spring to like again, coming over to her bed and sitting down in the chair next to it.

"I'm fine, just a bit groggy. Brooke reassured her, "And I have a cast you can sign" she added.

Sam stayed and chatted nervously with Brooke for a bit longer, before Brooke interrupted her. "So what are you going to do when you go home?"

Sam looked torn.

"I was going to go over to... Harrison's" she said, softly.

Brooke looked at her, trying to work out why she had the feeling that was a big deal.

"Oh, that's right. Harrison picked you didn't he?" she remembered at last.

* * *

"This isn't easy. Whatever I say, it's going to hurt someone." Harrison said, nervously.

"Sam, you are my best friend. I've been in love with you since we were little. Your funny, intelligent, you understand me like no one else.

'Brooke, you're a great girl I really like you. You've changed so much this year, from a stuck up 'popular' kid, to a genuine all around nice person. I know there's someone for you, closer than you think- at this Brooke made to interrupt but he waved her into silence again. "But I'm afraid, it's not me."

* * *

Brooke came back to the present. "Sam, don't worry. I don't mind, I've realised…I don't like Harrison like that, I was just confused about what I wanted." she said softly, realizing why Sam looked so awkward.

Sam smiled slightly, "You mean it?" she asked. "Yes" Brooke said. They looked at each other, and burst out laughing, Brooke stopping quickly as it hurt her head.

"Look, I have to go, but I'll come back and see you tomorrow" said Sam, leaning down and hugging Brooke tightly.

Then Mike and Jane came in, and they talked for about half an hour, and then all three went home.

Brooke sighed, leaning back on her pillows, closing her eyes and feeling the aching throb of her headache come back full force. Just as she reached the thin line separating awake from asleep there was a knock on the door, and she wearily pulled her eyes open again.

A policewoman stuck her head around the door. "You awake? We've been wanting to talk to you"

Brooke sighed. A sympathetic smile appeared on the policewoman's face.

"I guess your sick of visitors hey? Still tired. Sorry, just a few questions then I'll leave you in peace. My name's Helene Segara. Detective-Inspector Segara"

Brooke sat up, frowning as a wave of dizziness hit her.

"Do you remember the accident?" Inspector Segara asked sympathetically.

"Yes"

"Can you tell me what happened please?"

"Well" Brooke hesitated.

"I was coming out of the cafe, and Sam and Harrison came after me. They should be able to tell you," she said.

The police officer smiled slightly. "Yes, unfortunately, they didn't see you until after the car hit, and none of the other witnesses actually saw the moment of impact either **(A.N Yes I know thats unlikely but use your imagination)** so we can't verify the facts."

The policewomen paused. "You know Nicole Julian don't you, she's a friend of yours?"

Brooke sighed, her headache suddenly doubling in intensity.

"Look, I'm tired, and my head hurts, I can't talk now." she explained, lying down again, facing away from the detective inspector.

"Okay, we'll come back later," said Helene obligingly, leaving the room.

Brooke reached out and grabbed the water beside her bed, taking a sip, then lying down and closing her eyes, dimly aware of a nurse coming in and darkening the room for her.

Nicole stood in a corner of her room, slipping into some new clothes. Her ankle now swathed in a bandage, she leaned heavily on crutches. 'Her 'mother' had made sure her daughter was well cared for at their doctor, who had doubtless been paid well to keep quiet' Nicole thought bitterly.

She glanced once more around her immaculate room, and headed out, sighing in frustration when she encountered the stairs. Carefully checking there was no one in sight, Nicole started down the stairs, slipping near the bottom and falling forward. "Fuck!" she hissed, biting her lip until it bled. Gripping hard on the banister she hauled herself up, still clutching her crutches. Finally she stumbled outside, and climbed awkwardly into her car. "Lucky it wasn't my right ankle." she said out loud.

10 minutes later Nicole was driving around and around the hospital block.

She tensed suddenly, seeing a very familiar brunette leave the hospital, ducking her head and hoping not to be seen. Sam didn't notice her and she watched as they drove away.

'_What are you doing Nicki? Either you get in there or you leave, don't just dither' _A voice in her said sounding suspiciously like her grandmother.

'_I'm going crazy'_ Nicole thought. '_I've spent more time in the last two days talking to myself than I ever have in my whole life.'_

Nicole opened the cardoor, and headed toward the hospital doors.


	3. Getting in and getting OutDrawing it out

Nicole stepped inside the room, shutting the door softly behind her.

The blonde in front of her slept on, her plastered leg out in front of her.

Her smooth skin shone, and her hair, unlike 99 of the population stayed perfect even while she was asleep.

Nicole finally forced her eyes away when they started to glaze over, 'staring at her like that, she'll wake up and think I've been channeling Mary Cherry'.

Nicole sat down on the chair next to her bed.

Sapphire eyes opened slowly, a muffled yawn was heard, then dead silence for a while.

"Nicole?"

"Brookie" Nicole began in a confident tone, and then stopped.

Brooke forced herself upright, looking a Nicole.

"What are you doing here?" Brooke asked calmly.

"I. I came to see…to see how you are," Nicole answered falteringly.

Brooke stared at her, grimacing. "I'm just great thanks. My best friend tried to kill me, why wouldn't I be okay?" Brookes voice started to rise at the end of the sentence and Nicole looked around frantically, hoping no one would hear her and come in.

"I'm sorry."

"Your sorry?" Brooke said angrily.

"You ran me over! Just because you swerved at the last minute and didn't kill me doesn't mean I'm welcoming you back with open arms. I guess the thought of first degree murder penetrated your alcohol fueled haze, and you decided to bump it down to vehicular assault."

Nicole stared. _Even when she's accusing me of killing her she says something smart, and obviously aimed at going over my head. Not that it did._

Perhaps it was in an effort to stop the insane monologue. Perhaps it was because of that freaky dream, or maybe it was the emotional turmoil that was screaming inside her, producing little voices in her head. Nicole had no idea what made her do it, but she did. After staring in silence for a while, whilst every word Brooke was shouting was imprinted inside her skull, she leaned forward, and pressed her lips to Brooke's.

It was a soft kiss, timid and shy, and yet it was enough to check Brooke's speech.

It lasted, oh two or three seconds, but it felt like a lifetime. Nicole pulled away as reality came flooding back, and stared into the horrified eyes of the girl in front of her.

Brooke's POV

Whoa…. what was that? Brooke thought. Did that just happen?

"Oh my god. I'm sorry" Nicole whispered.

Brooke watched through astonished eyes as Nicole leapt to her feet, as well as someone on crutches can leap, and frantically tried to hobble out. Unfortunately a sprained ankle doesn't help in a dramatic exit, and she didn't manage to dash out before Brooke found her voice again, which had lodged itself down in her stomach.

"Running away from your mistakes again Nicole?" Brooke said angrily.

Nicole stopped, turning she met Brooke's eyes.

"That wasn't a mistake," she said defiantly, forcing herself not to look away.

"Then what the hell what that?" Brooke demanded.

"A kiss Brooke that's what it's called when you lock lips with someone" Nicole answered, feeling more secure with an angry, sniping conversation.

"I know that Nicole" Brooke exclaimed "I just want to know why you did that, I'm not Harrison, you can't just get all slutty with me and shut me up" she said bitingly.

Nicole's eyes flashed. "I am not a slut you stupid bitch, I'm just incredibly stupid."

"I know that Nicole, its not news to me, although it obviously is to you!" Brooke said poisonously.

"I was incredibly stupid to think you were the perfect person for me!" Nicole replied, her mood changing swiftly to one of despondency and depression.

_Damn Bipolar...can't even have a good rant without that interfering._

Her eyes filled with tears.

She looked Brooke in the eyes. "I'm sorry I tried to kill you Brooke."

Brooke stared back at her, and as Nicole turned to leave the room, cried out

"Don't leave!"

Nicole kept going.

Two days later, Brooke left the hospital. She had her own set of crutches, and a cast decorated with the signatures of the friends that visited her.

The policewoman had visited twice more, but each time Brooke would plead that her head hurt, or that she didn't remember, and the lady would leave.

**What can I say? My Nicole is faced with her guilt, and a predisposition towards depression, which is why she's acting a bit unlike herself…plus I just love drawing it out, and Brooke can't get away whilst she's in hospital.**


	4. Trapped Again and Getting On with It

Sam and Harrison stood by their lockers talking. "Yeah, Brooke said she'd be back today." Sam commented.

Harrison smiled. "That's good."

The two decided to wait for her outside her locker, and headed there.

Unfortunately for one student Brooke wasn't the first person they saw.

It was Nicole. She was still on crutches, but managed to limp nonchalantly past them anyway, getting her books out her locker awkwardly and walking away.

"Hey Nicole!" Sam called, walking up to her and grabbing the back of her sweater. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in jail?" she said angrily. Nicole turned slightly and without saying a word knocked Sam's legs out from underneath her with her crutches. "Don't bug me Spam," she said, looking at her scornfully.

Nicole walked away, as Harrison helped Sam up, gripping her arm to stop Sam from chasing Nicole.

"She's no concern of ours, we're here for Brooke," he reminded her. "Let the police deal with Nicole."

"Now sweetie, are you sure you'll be okay? You can have another day off if you like?" Mike said to Brooke.

"No dad. I'm fine I can go to school," Brooke told him for the fifteenth time.

Brooke was regretting her assurance about ten minutes into her first lesson, Maths, with Sam and Harrison on either side, trying to be helpful.

"Guys" she whispered, "I'm fine, really. There's no need to glare at Sir when he asks me a question." she smiled faintly but in reality was far from amused. 'What am I, two?' she thought.

At last the bell rang, and Brooke struggled to her feet, getting her crutches organized she turned to put her books in her bag and found them gone.

"I'll carry them for you Brooke" Harrison said, walking out the door.

"But we don't." her voice trailed off. "Have the same class next" she finished softly.

Brooke walked down the hallways towards her class, surrounded by well-wishers guarding her steps.

Finally growing irritated, sick of pasting a big smile on her face she excused herself, and hurried into the bathroom.

She grinned to herself as she fished a key out of her pocket, and locked the bathroom door behind her, ensuring herself privacy.

'Finally' she said out loud. At that there was a stifled gasp behind her, and she turned around. There was someone in one of the stalls, and as she watched the door slowly opened.

Nicole Julian stepped out, meeting Brooke's eyes semi-defiantly.

She stalked past her, as well as anyone can on crutches, making her look like a four-legged penguin, washed her hands quickly and headed for the door, pulling on it hard.

"It won't open"

It was a comment not really directed at anyone bar the door, so Brooke said nothing, continuing to stare at the back of the other blond's head, noting idly how nice her hair looked, before mentally slapping herself. _Girl who tried to kill you- Girl who tried to kill you- Girl who tried to kill you_-she chanted to herself.

Nicole turned around; looking slightly above Brooke's head she seemed to address the wall. "You have the key?"

"Yes" Brooke imitated Nicole's detached tone, but couldn't control her face as well and felt it betray her emotions.

"Well. Could you open the door then?" Nicole asked as casually as she knew how, but her imagination was making it hard for her to keep calm in this very awkward situation. She kept getting pictures of Brooke saying 'No' then going psycho and killing her with one of the chairs scattered around the room.

As a result she could think of nothing to say except maybe 'don't kill me' and a silence descended.

Nicole looked Brooke in the eyes, and flinched when she moved suddenly towards her.

"Listen Nicki, I don't know what was going though your head when you visited me in hospital, or when you…caused me to be **put** in hospital, but I want an explanation, and I want it **now**."

Nicole looked at her silently, defiantly. 'No-one tells me what to do. Not even Brooke'

"I know what you're thinking, but you are not getting out of here unless you do." Brooke stated firmly.

Nicole narrowed her eyes. "I think you underestimate me Brooke"

* * *

Four hours later Brooke admitted defeat. She had spent **four** whole hours reading, and re-reading the magazines in there, as well as pacing and checking her make-up in the mirror and was bored. Nicole spent four hours sitting calmly in a chair near the door, not moving or speaking, except to occasionally glance Brooke's way, her expression a loud and clear "Ready to give up yet?"

"Fine Julian. Just go alright" Brooke said, admitting defeat and unlocking the door.

Nicole stood up. _Do I want to leave? _She thought momentarily, before making a decision.

She walked forward, and took the key from Brooke's hand, and locked the door again.

It took only five minutes or so, but Brooke felt she would have waited another five hours to hear this, something she never would have guessed.

"So now you know Brooke, I'm sure you'd rather you didn't. I made one mistake that night, and that's why you have a broken leg, but the hospital…that wasn't a mistake." Nicole did an excellent job of keeping her face perfectly neutral, not looking Brooke directly in the eyes, focusing on her forehead as an easier target.

"I'll be seeing you I suppose, and me when this all goes in the newspaper. Tell Spam to use bold font on my name, not italics." Nicole said casually, shaking inside.

Brooke looked at her astonished. _She really thought Brooke would out her to the entire school?_

"Oh Nicole. Is that all you worry about?" she asked curiously, then blushed slightly. _Stupid question really. I think outing herself to me showed she thinks about other things. _Brooke blushed again. _Me, for example_.

"Do you hate me?" Nicole countered.

"I- uh. Well no." Brooke stammered out, surprised at the turn this conversation was taking.

"Why not" each question was snapped out like machine gun fire.

"Well, I don't know"

"I think you do. Why don't you hate me?" Nicole repeated.

Brooke was silenced for a moment, and then mumbled something.

"What was that?" Nicole asked, feeling in control of the situation once again.

"I like you. Too much to hate you. I've been your best friend for ages, and I could never hate you." Brooke said honestly.

What Brooke did next shocked Nicole out of her composure.

She leaned forward, and gently kissed Nicole, who sprang back out of her reach.

Brooke looked at her confused, as Nicole glared angrily, eyes flashing, and in Brooke's opinion making her look much better than her usual controlled self.

"What?" Brooke asked, confused.

"Thanks so much for the pity kiss Brooke. I didn't know Cosmo had an article on 'How to react to your lesbian best friend' I'd appreciate it if you didn't mess with my emotions." Nicole snapped, pulling the key to the bathroom from her pocket.

"Wait, I wasn't…" Brooke protested, and seeing Nicole about to leave **again **she stepped forward, grabbed the sleeve of her expensive blouse and promptly slipped over, her crutches flying across the polished floor she landed hard on her back. Nicole let out an undignified grunt as she too was pulled over by Brooke's fall, and the two ended up next to each other on the polished floor, Nicole's crutches also going flying.

The two lay there dazed for a while, until Nicole became aware that Brooke's hand was trapped underneath her, resting on the small of her back, heat radiating from that area. Nicole sat up slightly, freeing Brooke's hand, but aware that instead of moving her hand off, Brooke just moved it up, resting it near her shoulder blades and gently making small circles with her fingers. Nicole froze, her emotions warring with her common sense.

"Nicki-" Brooke started, before Nicole, knowing what she was going to ask, knowing it as if she had always known it, leaned forward and captured Brooke's lips with her own.

**Hey, I just want to say a big thanks to Rane Sakura for your great reviews, which is why I'm updating again. I was a little unsure whether some of it was sarcasm, but I'm treating it like its not. Hmm you don't like the bad words? Sorry I'm just projecting, when I get emotional/angry I swear a lot whereas normally I don't.**


	5. Going Outside, Calling the Parents

**Yep you're right. According to statistics it's only 1 in 20, but according to fanfiction it's about 85 percentof people.**

A new silence fell over the girls. They finally exited the bathroom, and walked around the deserted school hand in hand looking for a way out. Finally they found a door that was unlocked, and stepped into the cool evening air.

"We spent all day in that bathroom" Brooke laughed.

Nicole smirked. "If you weren't so stubborn…"

"If **_I_** wasn't stubborn? You were the one who was quite ready to stay all night in there" Brooke rejoined, laughingly.

"I had to prove a point," Nicole replied.

"Yeah, well- Oh my god."

"What?" Nicole asked.

"I have to get home, Mike was going to pick me up from school, and they will freak!"

Nicole pulled a face. "Well…you can borrow my mobile, call them, and tell them to come pick you up."

Brooke looked troubled.

Nicole smiled sadly. "Don't worry, I'll be gone before they get here."

"But you can't walk far on crutches" Brooke protested.

Nicole frowned, "I know. I'll call my mother and get someone to bring a car for me- don't look at me like that, you know what your parents would do if they saw me" Nicole snapped.

"They don't know." Brooke replied. "I haven't told anyone yet, and I asked everyone else that saw not to say anything to anyone yet"- she looked embarrassed.

" I wanted to be the one who turned you in"

Nicole decided to ignore that last bit.

"You managed to convince Spam not to capitalize on an opportunity to get me sent to prison?"

Brooke gave her a strained smile. "Sam isn't that bad Nick, besides, she promised, and so did the others, they agreed it was my responsibility to tell the police."

"No, it's my responsibility. I was just going to apologise, then go to the police. Don't worry" Nicole said.

"Nicole, I don't think- Nicole held her hand up, interrupting the blond "we can talk about this later, right now your family is worried, call them." she handed Brooke the phone, and backed away, giving her some privacy.

"Hi dad. Yeah no, I'm fine. Sorry, I was just a bit tired, lost track of time. Why would there be anyone else with me?"

Nicole looked at Brooke.

"No dad, its cool, I just fell asleep is all-Look, can you pick me up, cos if not I can catch the bus? Okay, I'll be here, love you too dad." Brooke hung up the phone.

She smiled at Nicole. "Dad said he was two minutes away from calling the police."

"Parents" Nicole scoffed.

"Look, I have to be going, I suppose I'll see you at school tomorrow" Nicole said.

"Yes, and don't talk to the police until we get a chance to have a chat- can I call you tonight?" Brooke replied.

Nicole smiled. "Of course"

Brooke gave Nicole a hug, rather awkwardly because of the crutches and the two separated, Brooke going over to a bench and sitting down, whilst Nicole limped away in the opposite direction, dialing her phone as she walked.

A week passed. Nicole was off her crutches, and Brooke had an interview at the police station that afternoon.

**Don't kill me cos its short! I have been concentrating on my other fic, _Changes_, as well as doing a lot of schoolwork.**


	6. They Don't Know, Reactions

"Miss McQueen, could you tell us what happened that night?"

"Yes" Brooke smiled nervously, still unsure what she was going to say.

"I was going to the **(prom? Sorry I'm not American)** with Sam and Harrison." she started. Noticing the raised eyebrows she clarified. "Sam is a girl, and Harrison, Sam and I are just friends…or well. We are now."

With rising embarrassment Brooke recounted the situation, ending with "And then Harrison chose Sam over me, and I ran outside…" she stopped.

"And?" the police officer prompted.

Brooke's thoughts were in turmoil, she hesitated.

Nicole's face came to mind. _I'm sorry Brooke…_

"I made a mistake." Brooke said, with assurance.

"I was, devastated." she grimaced mentally_, "No one will believe this pathetic attempt, come on Brooke, you can do better than this." _she thought.

"I was so upset, it's so silly, I just, I tried to hurt myself…" she trailed off. _Exactly how does one confess suicide?_

"Are you saying you jumped in front of the car that hit you?" the policemen asked, a frown appearing on his face.

Brooke hesitated. _One more word, and Nicole gets away with murder _she thought.

"Yes."

4 hours later Brooke was still at the police station. Mike, Jane and Sam were still there, although Sam hadn't come in yet.

"Well Miss McQueen, you are a very lucky girl. The owner of the car, a girl from your school I believe, has declined to press charges." he looked stern, and pointed at her "May this be a lesson to you" Brooke stifled a smile.

_He's really trying to convince a girl who is supposed to be suicidal that the consequences of her actions are severe- just not in this case?_

"Yes sir, I understand sir." she parroted glibly, keeping an appropriately somber look on her face.

"You can go home now"

Brooke walked from the room, where her dad was waiting. "Can we go home before we talk?" Brooke asked, seeing That Look on his face, the one that meant 'its time for a serious discussion young lady'

Sure enough, as soon as the four got home, Mike and Jane headed for the living room, Brooke in tow.

"Sam honey, could you go hang the washing out?" her mother asked.

"Nope. Staying here," Sam answered flippantly. "This involves me just as much as it does you two."

"It doesn't involve you at all then, because this is no-one's business other than my own" Brooke burst out.

Mike looked annoyed. "You throw yourself in front of a car, and this is no-one's business?" he asked angrily.

Sam looked a mixture of angry and confused.

"That's right" Brooke snapped, getting to her feet. "Leave me alone!"

She swung her crutches quickly up the stairs, ignoring the adult's voices.

She reached her room and flung herself on the bed, becoming aware that Sam had followed her only when her bedroom door was shut, and Sam planted herself at the bottom of the bed, hands on her hips.

"What's going on?"

"Go away" Brooke mumbled into her pillow.

"I know you Brooke, I know what happened that night. You didn't commit suicide."

"No."

"Then why did you tell Mum, Mike and the cops that you did? Why shield Nicole!" this last bit said bitterly.

"It was an accident Sam. A terrible accident. This isn't about shielding her." Brooke said, turning over, and meeting Sam's eyes. She was shocked to discover tears. "You could have died Brooke" Sam said slowly, as if trying to make her understand. "I know." Brooke replied.

"Then why?"

"I'm not dead. I can't ruin her life…."

"She tried to ruin yours!" Sam protested.

"I hurt her, I gave her date food poisoning, and I told her I hated her." Brooke knew those things weren't worth attempted murder, but they still made her feel guilty. 'Especially now, after…after those 4 long hours of silence and what happened next.' Brooke thought, then wondered why she censored her thoughts like she did her journal, incase someone should read it.

"None of that is any reason to try and kill you!"

"Look, I'm not having this argument Sam. She was drunk; she regretted it, which is why I only got a broken leg and not anything serious. I'm asking you to forgive."

Sam looked at her.

"I don't think I can do that." Sam said slowly, angrily

"Then I'm asking you not to tell the parents," Brooke said next.

"So…you and her, are friends again?" Sam said.

"I'm trying to forgive" Brooke hedged, avoiding the question

Sam was silent for a while.

"Okay Brooke" Sam said at last. "I hate her, and I can't understand why you don't…but I won't say anything to Mike or Jane.

Sam left after another long silence, and Brooke pulled out her journal. It was a thin book, she only wrote in it milestones, like her cat dying. All in all a cheerful book.

Carefully, she wrote a few lines, thinking hard.

…And made Sam promise…I'm going to see Billy Joe tomorrow.

A smile came to her lips as she wrote the nickname she'd decided to give Nicki. Nicole hadn't been happy about it, but relented finally. "It'd be just like Spam to read your journal," she said bitingly.

"Shh Satan" Brooke said, "Keep the horns hidden."

That night, Brooke climbed into bed feeling conflicted.

Her parents were angry, confused and worried about her.

Sam was angry and disappointed in her.

Her other friends would be too, as soon as they knew tomorrow what happened.

She tossed restlessly, kicking her covers off and then putting them back on.

Only for you Brooke thought. N.J 

Nicole was sitting in her room, examining her bruised foot. Blue and purple twisted all around her ankle, but "thank god" Nicole said, "I can walk without pointers again"

"One good thing happened today anyway."

Hmm…maybe I should shut up, isn't talking to yourself the first sign of madness? 

_Oh well_. Nicole tapped idly on the end of her bed with her nails, until they started to chip and she had to stop and paint them. _I'm becoming decidedly housebound._

Nicole started tapping again as soon as her nails were dry, trying to ignore the nervous feeling in her stomach.

The phone rang, startling her out of her reverie.

"Hello Nicole Julian speaking,"

"Hey Nick" the voice on the other end put a smile on Nicole's face.

"I'm bored, you?"

Nicole looked concerned

"What's wrong hun?"

"Look, I have to go" Brooke said.

Nicole sighed. "But I'm bored" she whined.

"I'm sorry"

"No, its okay. Go to sleep McQueen, you'll get wrinkles." Nicole said, smirking, though Brooke couldn't see her.

"Yeah, you have to polish your pitchfork for tomorrow. Double Maths in the morning!"

"Sleep Brooke"

"Night Nicole."

Nicole didn't go to school the next day. Brooke looked for her, discreetly as she walked with her friends. Mary Cherry, in her usual thoughtless way asked, "Do ya know where Nikay is?" but before Brooke could answer Carmen told her to shut up.

"Oh right, cos of the whole tried to kill you thing…" Mary Cherry trailed off, finally.

Sitting beside Sam at lunch, with Lily, Carmen and Harrison also gathered round. Brooke was finding it hard to keep her mind here, and not wherever Nicole was. Lily leant forward.

"So, what's happening with Nicole? Is she really going to prison, or is that just another wild rumour?"

Sam stiffened, and turned disapproving eyes on Brooke.

Brooke was silent.

"She's not going to prison. She's not even being charged." Sam said flatly.

At that there was an outbreak of noise, and cries of surprise and outrage

"Why not?" Harrison demanded.

"Because I lied to the police about it" Brooke said softly.

Dead silence. "Why would you do that?" Lily looked at her in shock and disapproval.

Sam explained why in a few quick sentences, and all eyes turned to Brooke again.

"Don't tell me you're still friends with her?" Harrison demanded.

"No, I'm not. But I just couldn't send her to prison."

Brooke was silent for the rest of lunch, aware that her friends were still angry.


	7. Conversations, very short ones

"Where were you at school today?" Brooke asked down the phone, quietly.  
"Didn't go hun, surely you noticed the mob had something else to do today apart from start a witch burning?" Nicole replied flippantly. "Stayed home, did my nails, watched some TV"  
"You should have come"  
"Why? We can't…talk there, or your 'friends' will be pissed, and I didn't feel like doing Maths this morning." Nicole said.  
Brooke sighed. "You still should have come"  
"I know, okay. I'll be there." Nicole said.  
"Promise?" Brooke asked,  
"Yeah, I promise"  
At that moment there was a knock on the door. "Coming", Brooke called. " I've got to go". She said down the phone. "Talk to you later, bye"  
"Bye" Nicole said softly to the sound of the phone being hung up.  
Brooke chucked the phone down and sat on her bed.  
"Come in" she called. Sam Macpherson peered in.  
"Hey, can I talk to you?" she asked. Brooke looked at the journalist. "Sure, hop on" she said, patting the bed beside her.  
"What were you doing?" Sam asked,  
"You know, just chilling" Brooke replied nervously.  
"I could have sworn I heard your voice" Sam rejoined.  
"Yeah, talking to myself, it's a bad habit"  
"Okay"  
There was a long silence for a while.  
"So…what did you want?" Brooke asked.  
"You know, just to chat." Sam replied. She smiled. "But hey, we aren't really chatting are we? I guess I'll see you later." Sam left Brooke stared after her. _What was all that_ _about?_

**what can i say? shrugs i like the other story I'm writing better...and it's most certainly going to be Brooke/Nicole...or possibley Lily/Nicole LOl..there you go, free tip.**


	8. La eternidad en final se quedo, Y un des...

**La eternidad en final se quedo Y un desierto es mi corazon**

Nicole had never been so glad that it was a Saturday. No cheerleading practice thanks to her ban, no friends to call her now.

Except Brooke.

After successfully avoiding Brooke and Sam at school, she was looking forward to a long soak in the tub, then some veg out time in front of the television. Not her favourite pastime, but Nicole decided she could treat herself.

The phone rang shrilly, interrupting these and other pleasant thoughts, and Nicole frowned, her frown changing to a smile when she heard the voice on the other end. "Yeah. Yeah. I'll meet you there. "Bye" Nicole said, hanging up the phone, and rolling off her bed in one fluid movement. Brooke wanted to see her.

Should I wear my black shirt with this skirt, or my red one? She wondered.

Half an hour later Nicole was turning out of her driveway, wearing black leather pants and a black shirt.

She drove with unusual care, and when she turned off onto a grassed road she frowned.

'I hope this isn't going to involve trekking in the mud, I'm not wearing the right shoes for it' she thought.

Suddenly something jumped in front o her car and Nicole stopped dead.

"What the hell?" she yelled.

Brooke McQueen's smiling face was looking at her.

"Hey" she called.

Nicole glowered. "You idiot", she said, getting out of the car. "I could have run you over for real this time!"

Brooke raised her hands appealingly "Hey, I'm sorry." she said.

Nicole continued to frown, as she shrugged and looked around.

"So what are we doing here?" she asked.

"This is a park Nicole. Well, it used to be." Brooke said, with the air of someone explaining how to tie your shoelaces.

"Well, yes I can see that" Nicole said, still kind of annoyed "And?"

Brooke was starting to look disappointed. "I thought, well, that you and I could, you know, have some alone time. I got food." Nicole glanced over. Sure enough, a picnic basket.

"Well that's lovely Brooke, but what's wrong with going to a restaurant?"

"Someone will see us there, and come over and punch you out, remember?" Brooke said angrily.

Nicole blushed embarrassed and angry. "Sorry" she muttered.

Brooke softened. "I know. Its not your fault."

"No, it is" Nicole interrupted. "I love your picnic, it looks great. I feel like I haven't talked to you in ages.

"You haven't" Brooke said ominously.

"Okay, well. Have you uh, done your hair a new way?" Nicole said changing the subject hastily, aware of just how much of a bimbo she sounded like just then.

Brooke smiled triumphantly "Is that your way of saying I look nice Nic?" she asked, grinning.

"Could be" Nicole replied.

"Well, you're looking pretty damn fine yourself" Brooke said, appraising her.

Nicole stepped closer to her; placing a hand lightly on Brooke's arm she pulled her close.

"Don't I always" she breathed, kissing her hard.

"Always" Brooke murmured.

Brooke's eyes were shut, and as Nicole broke away Brooke leant forward again, keeping her eyes shut.

Nicole smiled. Brooke's face was flushed, and her lips slightly bruised.

"I've always wanted to get you in this position" she whispered, and Brooke drew back, opening her eyes.

"What?" Nicole stayed silent.

Brooke looked speculative. "So..." she hesitated. " Can I ask you something, about…Marley?"

Nicole looked at her, and stepped back out of reach. Her face became guarded. "What about her?" she asked through gritted teeth.

"Nothing, it doesn't matter" Brooke said hastily, steeping forward to claims Nicole's lips again.

Nicole didn't respond at first, but eventually her expression returned to normal, and her smile turned from guarded to teasing.

Her hands glided down Brooke's back, and she quickly put them inside Brooke's shirt, the blonde gasping a little- Nicole's hands were cold.

Brooke moved slightly and the shorter girl matched her step, one arm around Brooke and underneath her shirt, and the other, surprisingly strong hand holding Brooke's.

Nicole leaned forward and Brooke responded, to her disgust nothing followed. Her lips met only air, and Nicole removed her hand from where it had been working its way around the front of Brooke's shirt, and danced out of reach. "I'm hungry," she said laughingly in reply to Brooke's petulant look. "So am I." Brooke replied, her expression speaking volumes. Nicole ignored her, pulling out a bottle of lemonade and eyeing it dubiously. "Lucky I come prepared" she commented, stepping over to where she had parked her car. Brooke followed curiously and laughed out loud at what she saw. Nicole pulled out a bottle of wine, and some glasses that she proceeded to fill.

"Cheers"

The girls sat silently sipping their drinks, left hands intertwined, reluctantly moving only when hunger called and they started on the food.

Night was falling when the girls finally left.

Nicole's hair still looked as perfect as always but Brooke looked liked she'd spent time in a wind tunnel. Nicole pointed this out to her as they drove home, and Brooke hit her. "Hey, no hitting the driver. Are you sure you don't really have a death wish?" she said pushing Brookes hands away.

Nicole parked in the shadows across the street from Brookes house.

She waited but Brooke didn't move.

"So…what does this make us?" Brooke asked. "What am I?'"

Nicole looked at her steadily for a moment before realizing what she meant.

"My girlfriend…I guess" she answered, looking at Brooke to see how she took it.

Brooke looked worried, but forced a smile. "Cool."

"Well. Back to jail for you," Nicole said, kissing her softly.

"Bye" Brooke said, not returning the favor.

She got out of the car and hurried across the road, stepping inside her house without a second look.

Nicole watched her enter the house, waited a few minutes and drove away.

Brooke bolted up the stairs, checking herself in the hall mirror as she passed. "I do look like I've been in a wind tunnel" she mused aloud.

"Who said you looked like you've been in a wind tunnel?" it was Sam; she exited her room and walked over to Brooke.

"Uh, no-one. Just thinking out loud," Brooke said hastily. Sam looked at her, skepticism written all over her face.

"Yep. You know, you've been acting really weird ever since your accident." Sam said.

"So would you if you'd nearly died!" Brooke shot back.

"Except you didn't 'nearly die' you broke your leg." Sam replied, starting to get annoyed.

"Well I thought I was going to die!" Brooke yelled. "When that swerved- it was so loud. I was scared."

Sam softened. "My bad" she said remorsefully.

"Hey, its cool" Brooke forced a smile. Thinking about that night was never going to be pleasant she concluded.

A soft cough interrupted the two girls and they spun around to see mike and Jane, looking at them with concern.

"Are you alright Brooke?" Jane asked. Mike said nothing, just looked at Brooke confusedly.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." Brooke brushed past them, taking the stairs two at a time she called behind her

"Going to watch TV, don't wait up."

Brooke turned on the TV and somehow managed to amuse herself for a few hours, avoiding the thoughts swirling in her brain, and 'changing the subject' so to speak, whenever they came up.

Much later that night she climbed up the stairs, stopping outside her parent's bedroom where a crack of light still showed. She could hear murmured voices. Glancing around carefully to make sure she was not being observed Brooke stepped closer to the door and pressed her ear against it.

Her fathers voice was clearly audible.

"But I don't understand. She was scared. Doesn't that mean she didn't…. didn't…. didn't **try** to do that." he finished at last with an audible strain in his voice.

Jane's voice was quieter and Brooke strained her ears. "Dear, I don't know. We can't assume anything. We can only wait and hope Brooke decides to confide in us."

Muffled noise.

"I still think we should sit her down and make her tell us!" Mike's voice rose.

Brooke winced. _'Yeah, good plan Dad.'_ she thought _'Subtle, **and** leaves me with that wonderful feeling of being incarcerated' _she thought sarcastically.

Jane replied too quietly for Brooke to hear, and the next perceptible noise was of Mike and Jane saying goodnight. As the light switched off in their room Brooke crept past and into her own room.

Anger and confusion swirled around in her head; an incredible cacophony of thoughts obscured her mind.

Not far away, in her massive bed, in her massive room with its expensive and elaborate décor, Nicole Julian was having many of the same feelings. The anger was currently directed at Mrs Julian, who in an inexplicable display of parenthood- a role she filled rarely if ever- had told her off for coming in late, and told her off even more when she smelt the alcohol on Nicole's breath.

Never one to take criticism lying down Nicole had lashed out at her mother only half heartedly, her mind still in the park with Brooke.

After the initial indignation had worn off, Nicole had to admit, although only to herself, that drinking and driving wasn't the best thing she could have done, considering her recent close brush with the law.

The confusion… well that had a less tangible but more worrying cause.

Brooke. Or, to be more specific, her reaction to Nicole's "My girlfriend, I guess" statement.

Far from looking happy, or even embarrassed, or annoyed at Nicole's presumption, (all three alternatives had brewed in Nicole's mind for days) Brooke looked scared and confused. Not the reaction she was hoping for.

"_Too late too think now." _

**La eternidad en final se quedo Y un desierto es mi corazon means **

**I remain stuck in time And my heart is a desert**


	9. Going to Church

**Contains swearing, and love between people of the same sex. (Apparently that bothers some people)**

**I have my preliminary HSC now! Gah and I stuffed English. Well no, I didn't but I didnt have enough time for the composing task so its not as good as it could be…oh well…here's more story for you. **

Sunday dawned, and Nicole Julian got up far early than she wanted to.

Her mother was going to church, and Nicole had to go with her.

The display of 'parenthood' last night had been explained as soon as she woke up to see her mother, fully dressed, wearing an expensive but plain dress suit, with a hat and scarf. "I'm running for government dear" Ms Julian said.

"Good morning to you too" Nicole mumbled, turning over.

"You're coming to church with me, so get dressed."

"What?" Nicole sat up in bed and faced her mother.

"We don't go to church. I've never gone to church in my life." she argued.

"Use your head girl." Ms Julian had snapped. "America wants decent, church-going people in office."

"Decent, church-going people?" Nicole repeated skeptically. "Not that I am an expert on 'decent people' but I'm fairly sure you can find them anywhere, not just in churches." she said.

"Not according to mainstream America you can't" Ms Julian said, lobbing Nicole's shoes at her.

"Now get dressed!"

Half an hour later Nicole emerged from the shower and dressed then went downstairs.

Half a minute later she went back up the stairs to get changed again.

Scowling ferociously she came downstairs again. Ms Julian gave her a quick once over and nodded her approval.

_This is ridiculous._ Nicole thought. _I look like a twelve-year-old going on a picnic._

Once the car had been brought round Nicole and Ms Julian got in, and sat in silence on the way to church. The car stopped, and their driver started to get out and open the ladies door, but Ms Julian waved him away.

"Now Nicole, I want you to put this on." Ms Julian said. She held out a thick silver cross, and showed Nicole the matching one in her other hand.

"You have to be joking. I'm already dressed up like a choirgirl." Nicole said, waving it away.

Ms Julian smiled grimly. "Can you sing?" she asked. "That would look very good…" she mused.

Nicole stared at her mother in shock.

"I thought…" she started.

"What?" Ms Julian asked.

"Nothing" Nicole said.

**Flashback**

It was the last day of year 6, primary school.

Nicole stood nervously near the front of the room, glancing around and wondering when 'Mum' would get there.

Robin's mother smiled and clapped proudly as Robin ran off the stage, her dance number complete.

She stepped up onto the wooden floor, and heard someone hiss softly. She glanced up and saw Ariel Murphy, staring at her hostilely while her oblivious mother chatting with Mrs Shepard. Nicole looked away.

Nicole stood in the middle of the stage and began to sing. Looking around all the time Nicole couldn't spot her mother in the mass of people, and her voice trembled.

She stood straighter as she saw some of the parents smiling appreciatively.

Nicole made it half way through the song before someone called out "Boring."

She faltered and looked around.

Ariel stared at her, and said loudly "She sings like my cat"

"Ariel" Mrs Murphy hushed her. "Don't be rude"

Nicole's eyes filled with tears.

She stopped, and ran off the stage.

Nicole came home that afternoon and cried in her room. Her mother came in, and before she could say anything in response to her daughters tear streaked face Nicole cried,

"Where were you? Everyone else's mother came, why didn't you?"

Ms Julian looked down at her crying daughter. "I came… darling, I was there. I was in the back; I couldn't get through to the front.

Nicole stopped crying with an effort and hiccupped.

"You were?" she asked hopefully.

"Yes"

Nicole hugged her mother hard.

**End Flashback**

Nicole glared at her mother blackly. You liar she thought. You didn't come. I was just so desperate to believe that you actually cared enough to go that I believed you.

Resignedly Nicole slipped the silver cross over her head, shivering involuntarily when the cold metal touched her neck.

Ms Julian had no such qualms; she slipped the chain over her head, adjusted her hat and got out of the car. Nicole followed obediently, walking side by side with her mother into the church. They sat in one of the front pews and waited.

Much later Nicole stirred, rolling her shoulders and feeling her muscles stretch. She was more bored than even in Glass's classes. Ms Julian poked her in the side sharply, and Nicole sat up straight, bitterly resenting being treated like a fidgety two year old. The man sitting next to her grabbed Nicole's hand and she shook it limply repeating automatically after him "Peace Be With You", and then shaking hands with her mother on the other side, gripping her hand rather tighter than necessary as she repeated "Peace **Be** With **You** so that her mother gave her a stern glare of disapproval, daring her to continue.

The priest continued and again Nicole tuned out.

The rest of the service passed in a blur of repeating things she didn't know, half a second behind the rest of the congregation who chanted together automatically. Seemingly Ms Julian had found time to become acquainted with these things, as she knew what to say, and with her usual poise managed to look like an old hand at it.

"Go in peace, to love and serve the Lord" the priest finished, and Nicole got to her feet gratefully.

Nicole followed her mother outside, where she stopped to talk to the priest.

"Will you be joining us next week Mrs Julian?"

Ms Julian smiled charmingly, and didn't object to him calling her 'Mrs' like she usually did when others made that mistake.

"Yes father, certainly. I'll be here with bells on"

Nicole watching this display was slightly sickened, but as the priest turned to her managed to paste a smile on.

"And you my child, are you joining your mother in finding the light of God?"

_Thankyou, but these days we have electricity, and if I was looking for an hour and a half of boredom every Sunday I'd join the chess club._

"Of course" Nicole said glibly. "Of course I will, Father." The priest smiled, and the Julian women walked away to their car. Nicole felt sick, and she wondered what the priest would say if she told him about her day with Brooke in the park on Saturday. "Well I think that went off well" Ms Julian said, waving a vague farewell at another parishioner, and stepping into their car. Nicole followed and the driver shut the door after her.

"Will you be heading home now Madam?" the driver asked as he got in the front.

"Yes Erik, just to drop Nicole off then I'm going out again."

"Very good" the driver said, touching his cap respectfully.

Ms Julian pressed a button and a soundproof screen came up behind the driver and the backseat where Nicole and her mother were sitting.

"I think my brain melted and is currently soaking into the red carpet near the altar." Nicole replied.

Ms Julian looked annoyed. "There's no need to be so negative. The hymns were nice."

"You're not telling me you enjoyed that. I can accept it's a career move, even if I don't agree, but anything else?" Nicole said.

"Its…a social experience" Ms Julian said, irritated.

"Yeah, right. Why don't you go volunteer at the homeless shelter, that'll be a nice social experience for you" Nicole scoffed, walking away.

Ms Julian stared after her daughter, shrugged and headed for the sauna.

Nicole dialed the numbers quickly. Someone answered the phone.

"Hello?"

Nicole silently cursed as she realised that she'd called the home phone not Brooke's cell, and that the bored voice on the other end belonged to the brunette journalist, not the blonde cheerleader she'd had in mind.

"Hello? Hello? Who is this?" Sam said impatiently. Nicole hung up, and dialed Brooke's mobile.

"Hey, this is Brooke. I can't answer the phone right now, but feel free to leave a message and I'll get back to you"

The recorded voice sounded in her ear and Nicole sighed petulantly. "Hey, this is…well you know" she forced out through gritted teeth. "Call Me," she said, lowering her voice to disguise it, feeling ridiculous all the time.

**I don't know what the dominant sect of Christianity is in America, or wherever Popular was made so I'm going by the only church services I've ever been to. Not that I am a Christian, but I have been to church. **

The next day Nicole again got up earlier than she wanted to, this time for school. Brooke hadn't called.

She headed to school, pulling up in the car park and parking beside a silver Toyota. She glanced at the new wheels she'd gotten. _"Better be air in them when I come out or the journalist is getting a foot up the ass."_

She walked into first period and winked at Brooke, who grinned back whilst her face was hidden by her books.

Nicole sat down up the back, yawning ostentatiously.

Mary Cherry sat next to Brooke and Nicole felt a pang. As great as it was to have Brooke, sitting by yourself is never fun, and she wished suddenly that they could be open about their friendship…not necessarily about their 'more than' friendship though.

Sam walked in, and made a big show of putting her bag down, tossing her dark hair around in a way Nicole would have been sure to call her on, normally. This wasn't a normal situation and thus Sam's Pantene commercial imitation would pass by uncommented on, although Nicole did manage to sneer at Sam's back.

Sam didn't turn around and Nicole occupied the rest of the lesson looking at Brooke's back and drawing on her desk.

Brown eyes glared at Nicole.

Whispered words.

"After school"

They nodded eagerly.

The bell rang and the petite blond stood, avoided the eyes of her classmates, who looked on her loathingly, and stalked out, on onward to her next class. School sucks.

Light was fading; the clear blue sky had faded to a pale red dusk.

Nicole Julian hitched up her bag, tossed her head and headed across the deserted parking lot. The air was still in her tires, but she'd been locked in the Novak before the start of last period and had spent that period picking the lock on the bathroom door. Nicole looked around at her car, and saw a tall willowy blonde leaning against it.

"Brookie" she said happily, walking over to her friend and kissing her.

"Nic, where have you been?" Brooke asked, after returning the kiss.

Nicole stiffened. "Nowhere"

"What happened?" Brooke asked concernedly.

"Nothing" Nicole sighed. _Last thing I need is pity._

'Goddamn it Nic tel me" Brooke snapped.

"Fine. I was in the Novak." Nicole sighed in exasperation.

"Someone locked you in?"

"Looks that way."

Brooke was starting to wish she hadn't asked, more so when Nicole said simply "They think they're doing you a favor."

"I'll tell them to stop it." Brooke said determinedly.

"Nice plan, except for the fact that to everyone else you hate me, remember?" Nicole said.

Samantha Macpherson watched from behind another car. She'd been a bit late, and hadn't spotted Nicole until she was talking to Brooke.

She stared openmouthed as Brooke said something to Nicole, looked like she was apologizing for something. '_Nicole should be doing that'_ Sam thought.

_Okay, that's enough. I've got to find out what's going on here._

"Brooke" she called, emerging.

The two blonds jumped a foot in the air, and Nicole went pale.

"What are you doing here?" she said to Nicole poisonously.

Nicole didn't reply, just stared at her.

"What's going on, Brooke?" Sam said deliberately.

Brooke blinked a few times, opened her mouth and said, "Uh, well Nicole has uh."

"Been harassing you?" Sam interjected hopefully. _Murderer_- or she amended _attempted murderer_.

Nicole met Brooke's eyes.

_It's either nod, or tell her all_. She thought. A hint of recognition entered Brooke's eyes and Nicole knew she'd gotten the message.

"Yeah, or trying to" Brooke said, smirking at Nicole. '_I'm sorry'_ she thought, seeing the hurt in Nic's eyes.

"Just forget her, come on let's get out of here." Sam said, gesturing.

"And you" Sam said, getting right up into Nicole's face. "Keep away from my stepsister!"

Nicole's eyes filled with tears. She looked desperately at Brooke, but got no response. Nicole's heart felt like it was about to break. _You idiot, you knew this was what would have to go on, why are you acting like this?_ she berated herself.

_I understand. Them or me, and you picked them._

Still too much of a Julian to cry in front of Spam Nicole turned away, walking slowly.

"Skank" Sam shouted after her.

Nicole kept walking. She didn't look back, didn't want to see Brooke and Sam walking away together.

Slowing down eventually Nicole realised that she'd for some stupid reason walked away from her car and blushed. She slowly started walking back. It was full night then, and she looked around apprehensively as she approached her car. Nothing. Relieved Nicole got in her car and drove home, embarrassed and furious. Bloody Brooke. What the hell happened to my backbone?

**Sam is a bit OOC here, but then again she always will be with me, I can't write Samantha as a completely honorable human being. Okay most people will also probably think Nicole is OC, but I don't care.**

**Later**

"Please, is she there?" Brooke asked.

"I've told you Miss, she's not here."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure, please stop calling you are tying up the phone," Ms Julian said irritably.

"Sorry" Brooke said.

Slam. The sound of the phone being hung up.

"Damn it." Brooke cursed.

Ms Julian came into Nicole's room. "Listen Missy, next time you fight with one of your friends you answer the phone!"

Nicole sighed. "Kay"

She stared idly at a painting on her wall, her hands fiddling nervously with a button on her shirt. "Stop that" she said to herself when she noticed what she was doing. "Nervous habits are the prerogative of the feeble."

Nicole continued to fiddle with her shirt, the words not holding the same power as they used to.

She checked her cell phone and smiled wryly. 8 missed calls.

"All right, fine." she muttered.

"I'll talk."

She quickly dialed Brooke's number, and waited patiently.

"Hello?"

"Hello." Nicole said stiffly. _Why am I doing this? I have nothing to say to her_.

"Nic? That you? Where have you been? I've been trying to call you all night!" Brooke said.

"I know."

"You know? Why didn't you answer the phone, why'd you get your mum to say you weren't there?"

Nicole said nothing thinking _'isn't it obvious?'_

Brooke's voice softened. "I'm really sorry Nic. I just, didn't know what to say. What else could I do?"

Nicole bit her lip, holding back a tirade. She sighed, suddenly feeling tired.

"Look…forget it." Nicole said finally. "I'm tired. I'm going to go to sleep."

"Okay" Brooke said doubtfully. "I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

"Bye" Nicole said, hanging up the phone.

"Bye" Brooke said to the empty room. _Nostalgia_ _time_. She thought wryly and pulled out some photos. One of Brooke and Nicole, Brooke was smiling at the camera and Nic had her head tilted slightly away, seemingly focused on something out of view. She laughed as she reached the next one, a family photo with Jane, mike and Sam, Sam was shooting Brooke a poisonous look, and Brooke was returning it. "Jeez…I really hated her." Brooke said aloud, _its funny how things change_. The next photo was of Brooke, Josh and Sam, Josh had his arm around Brooke's waist and Sam was rolling her eyes at the camera. Brooke smiled at Josh's face. _We were the 'perfect' couple…I believe it was Sam who called us Queen Barbie and King Ken…of course, the fact that I wasn't the slightest bit attracted to him helped explain our break-up. _Brooke frowned again_. Nicole reckons I'm scared. She's not exactly in a hurry to leap out of the closet anytime soon either. _

In the Julian residence, Nicole was looking at her own (much smaller) photo collection. She brushed over the family ones hastily, not wanting to see those sterile portrayals. She continued to shuffle until she found what she was looking for. A photo of Brooke and Nicole, both happy. The fact that josh was in this photo too bothered Nicole. He had his arm around Brooke's shoulder possessively and she was leaning on him. Nicole stood alone next to them, not smiling but as happy as she ever got then. A smile played on her lips as she looked at Brooke. _Okay, I'm mad. Nevertheless, not mad enough to stop wanting to kiss those lips._ She thought as she stared at Brooke.

It was lunchtime, and Nicole was touching up her make-up in the Novak, amazed that her chaotic emotions were not visible on her face. Brooke entered, followed by Mary Cherry. Brooke said nothing, but smiled at Nicole in the mirror whilst Mary Cherry was in the toilet. Nicole didn't smile back, her face strained for a moment, making her look old and tired, before it disappeared underneath her usual hard-edged facade.

Mary Cherry came out, and washed her hands. "Why hello Nicole. Where have you been hiding yourself?" she said chirpily. Nicole raised an eyebrow. "I haven't been hiding." she replied.

"I need to talk to you" Brooke mouthed behind Mary Cherry's back.

Nicole turned away but tossed her head in a way that resembled a nod.

"Didn't Harrison say he had something for you before Mary?" Brooke suddenly burst out.

The Texan looked confused. "Joe? I don't think so…oh Brooke, it was probably meant to be a surprise and you've gone and ruined it" she scolded, a grin on her face.

"Yes well, you should probably go soon…"

Nicole rolled her eyes as the ditzy cheerleader rushed out, leaving Brooke behind.

"I cannot believe she fell for that." Nicole commented.

"Mm." Brooke said absently, not looking at her but instead staring at a shadowed corner like it was a television set.

Nicole looked at Brooke and was startled to see tears in her eyes.

"What's wrong Brookie?" Nicole asked, stepping over to her and touching her shoulder gently.

Brooke stepped back. "Don't. Don't make it worse."

"What?" Nicole said, genuinely confused.

She watched the head cheerleader cry for a moment.

"What's wrong?" Nicole asked again, a sick feeling of foreboding coming over her.

"I. You. I can't do this." Brooke stumbled, and then brought herself under control.

"What can't you do?"

"Nic. I'm breaking up with you." Brooke said.

Nicole stepped back a pace, feeling as though she'd been slapped.

A million questions and comments flew though her head.

"Why?" she asked at last, choosing the most relevant one.

"I just…I can't."

"Fuck you" Nicole growled. Her heart had frozen solid on Brooke's words and she grimly determined it would defrost no more. She bit hard on her lips to stop from crying out like a kicked dog _"But I love you."_

Brooke looked startled.

"What?"

"You heard me. Go on fuck off! Go back to your friends" Nicole spat the last word out like it was poison. She couldn't believe this was happening to her, again.

"You're just like Her. She told me everyone was like this but I didn't believe her," Nicole said out loud, talking more to herself than to Brooke. Brooke stared at the smaller girl through her tears, seeing blood welling up on her lips.

"Nic…"

"Go Away bitch."

Nicole stood in front of Brooke angrily and when it became apparent the other girl wasn't going to move sneered, saying,

"Since you're walking out on me, I'll walk out on you. Enjoy the rest of your life" and then she walked out, running into Lily, who gasped and said

"Nicole?"

Nicole turned the full force of her angry gaze on the slight Latina girl, and then kept walking.

Lily stared after her, and stepped into the bathroom to see an unexpected sight. Brooke McQueen, sitting in a chair in a flood of tears.

"Brooke?" she said uncertainly.

Brooke raised her head slowly, and met Lilly's eyes.

"Its you" she whispered.

"Sorry?" Lilly said, coming closer.

Brooke looked at Lilly but didn't say anything.

"Did you and Nicole just have a fight?" she asked.

"I don't want to talk about it." Brooke said.

Lilly looked at her. "Fine, if you won't talk to me I'll talk to Nicole." she said, walking out.

**Okay, I am writing this for my own pleasure, but constructive criticism is good, helps you express yourself better.**

**LOL subtle hint there.**


	10. Marley Told Me So

Lilly hadn't managed to find Nicole, though she searched the school and parking lot. She cut class for the first time in her life, wondering why she bothered. At the end of the day she still hadn't found Nicole so she went home.

Stepping into the dark house she called "Mom? Are you here?" she walked into the kitchen where a note was secured to the table.

**Have** **to work late tonight sweetheart, left you the car and there's a casserole in the microwave for tea.**

Five minutes later she was on her way to Nicole's house, having borrowed her mums car.

She smiled politely at the butler (**Yeah, she has one now) and** walked up the stairs "Miss Julian's room is second on the right, is she expecting you?" he asks. "No, but I won't be long" Lilly replied.

After hesitating a little, building her courage 'hey its just Nicole, not really Satan' she muttered to herself and then Lilly gently opened the door.

What she saw was most unexpected. Not Nicole torturing kittens, trying on new clothes or practicing insults in the mirror, but Nicole crying. Music was playing softly, and Nicole was huddled up, her eyes full of tears.

Lilly stared openmouthed for a few seconds before she found her voice again. "Nicole?"

Nicole looked up; mouth falling open in shock, Lilly noted absently that 'Satan' looked pretty cute when she's shocked.

"What are you doing here, as far as I know there are no endangered animals here for you to save" Nicole choked out, trying to inject her normal venom but failing.

"I…"

_What **am** I doing here? _

" I wanted to make sure you were alright" Lilly replied.

"Well I'm fine, feel free to go save the whales now I'm sure they need you more than I do." Nicole lashed out venomously.

"What's wrong?" Lilly asked, ignoring the barb.

"Nothing you would be interested in," Nicole stood, opened the door, turning her tear-streaked face away.

"But…"

"Leave."

Five minutes later Lilly was still sitting in her car downstairs, struggling with herself. Every time she started to start the car she got a flash of Nicole's tear streaked face. At last she got out of the car, and went back inside. 'I'm just curious what it takes to make the queen bitch show emotions' she reassured herself.

When she got up there and pushed open the door again, Nicole was sitting up on her bed, still crying.

Nicole raised her head. _I have to stop this_ she thought, only to meet eyes with a certain brown haired girl she thought left fifteen minutes ago. "Back for some more ammunition Esposito?" she said.

Lilly said nothing, but her expression changed.

Nicole turned away; too upset to even care that there was someone else in the room.

Her eyes tightly shut she jumped as a gentle arm was placed around her. "What's wrong Nicole?"

Nicole looked at her. "You know how to keep your mouth shut?" she asked abrasively.

"Yes" -Lilly replied.

"No… I can't" Nicole said.

"You can trust me…Nicole." Lilly said with an effort.

Nicole got up and changed songs on her CD player, then turned the volume up.

You see her, you can't touch her You hear her, you can't hold her

_You want her, you can't have her _

_You want to, but she won't let you _

_You see her, you can't touch her _

_You hear her, you can't hold her _

_You want her, you can't have her _

_You want to, but she won't let you _

_She's you're not so special so look what you've done, boy _

_She's you're not so special so look what you've done, boy _

_She's you're not so special so look what you've done _

_Now you wish she'd never come back here again_

_Oh, never come back here again _

_You see her, you can't touch her _

_You hear her, you can't hold her _

_You want her, you can't have her _

_You want to, but she won't let you_

Lilly was silent throughout the song. As it came to an end she said softly. "Is this song…is it about Brooke?"

Nicole scowled darkly through her tears.

Lilly sighed heavily.

"Look Nicole, I know we're not friends. I haven't forgotten the way you used to treat me before…well before Brooke's accident." her voice faltered and then became strong again.

"But I'm trying to be nice here and you just can't stop being a bitch for two seconds!"

"That's because I am a bitch!" Nicole replied. "I am a horrible person- I know it, you know it, Brooke knows it! I don't need you to be nice to me, I'm not one of your little humanitarian projects, I don't need you, or anyone!" Nicole yelled angrily, tears deserting her. _I don't need anyone's pity; I'm fine by myself._

"I know that." Lilly yelled back, shocking Nicole into silence.

"I'm not here because you're some kind of 'project', _You idiot, why do you think people would only like you for your body, or for your sarcasm? Why do you hide who you are? _I'm here because you're a girl I was beginning to think could be a good friend, a girl I was interested in knowing about and a girl who is upset, even though you're too stubborn to admit it!" Lilly finished suddenly feeling as though she'd run a marathon.

Nicole looked at Lily in silence for a while, idly watching how red her face was becoming. A lazy smile flitted onto Nicole's face. "I didn't know you had it in you" she marveled aloud.

Lilly blushed. "Yes well, I'm worried about you."

Nicole frowned again, and said. "Don't be. There's nothing to worry about." she turned away, and the smile dropped off her face, disappearing as if it had never happened. Lilly waited patiently and eventually Nicole turned around. "Okay. It was, _is_ about Brooke. She…she broke up with me."

Lilly nearly had a heart attack.

"You were going out? But I thought, I thought she hated you." she said amazedly.

"Yeah well, so did I" Nicole said laughing bitterly. "But I just, I couldn't help myself. We were fighting, and I kissed her."

"How long have you two, uh, been dating?" Lilly asked, as Nicole seemed to have said all she was going to say.

"A couple of weeks…since about a week after I."

"Yeah" Lilly jumped in as Nicole trailed off.

"Okay…so you've been going out. What just happened then?" Lilly said, nervously cracking her knuckles

"We broke up," Nicole said._ What are you an idiot, I just said that._ She swallowed hard fighting back a fresh wave of tears.

"Oh Nicole." Lilly said sympathetically.

Afterwards Nicole would be embarrassed at that, but right at that moment she was too angry, hurt and upset to be. She started to cry again, not moving away as Lilly put an arm around her shoulder.

Eventually Nicole composed herself, showing her embarrassment as usual by scowling and trying to move away.

The two girls talked for a long time, and when Lilly had heard the full story she shook her head.

"Stupid Brooke."

Nicole looked at her. "Don't you mean stupid Nicole?"

Lily glanced at her "This isn't your fault Nicole."

The petite blond made a non-committal gesture.

"I'm serious, this isn't your fault." Lilly said. "You made a mistake, a mistake that could have been much worse than it was, but that's got nothing to do with this. You are a good person Nicole." the other girl silently shook her head.

Lilly looked at Nicole. _I can't believe this. Yesterday I hardly acknowledged Nicole even had feelings. Yesterday I was as angry with this girl as Sam is, and now…now I'm just sad. Sad that it took such a dramatic accident for her to be happy, and now Brooke's taken that away again._

"Listen…what are you doing tonight?" Lilly asked.

Nicole raised an eyebrow. "Nothing" she replied.

"Do you want to go out to the movies?" Lilly said. _I need a little bit of normality _she thought.

"Not really." Nicole replied.

"Oh, good then we can go and talk to Brooke instead" Lilly said quickly.

Nicole grimaced. "Okay. Lets go to the movies then." she said, _that'd give me some composure time._

Half way through the movie Lilly glanced around and caught Nicole's eyes. The other girl has stayed silent and morose for a while, but eventually even she was laughing at the movie- and they had every reason too, it was so ridiculous that with every cliché-driven over-dramatic line the two girls cracked up.

"You know" Nicole said as they filed out later on, chucking their popcorn containers in the general direction of the bin

"I haven't been out to the movies in weeks."

"Did you and Brooke never…?" Lilly asked hesitantly.

"No. She couldn't be seen with me remember?" Nicole said frankly.

Lilly grimaced.

Nicole smiled faintly as she watched Lilly depart, reversing carefully and turning out of the driveway.

Nicole stepped inside her house to be confronted by the irate specter of her mother.

"What are you doing, where have you been? Don't you know its 10 o'clock?" Ms Julian said, not frowning.

(Frowning give you wrinkles you see)

Nicole raised an eyebrow. "Is there a priest in the house?" she asked dramatically.

"What?"

"That's the only reason you would give a flying fuck where I am at night." Nicole replied.

Ms Julian looked at her daughter, and a smile appeared on her face.

"Dear, don't be silly" she cooed. "You know I care about you"

"Almost as much as I do about the lives of Brooke and Ridge on the Bold and the Beautiful" Nicole replied, smiled falsely, and walking around her mother headed for the stairs

"Stop."

Nicole kept going.

Ms Julian's eyes darkened, she took one step forward and said "Stop."

Nicole froze. She recognized that voice. A proclamation was about to come forth. The last time Ms Julian used that voice it was to tell her daughter that if she ever told Ms Julian's friends things about her personal life again then she'd be sent to a boarding school in Switzerland. Nicole capitulated back then and stopped talking to them about how much makeup her mother wore to hide age lines…and 4 years later Nicole capitulated again, even her own anger and sadness not sufficient reason for her to disregard something ingrained in her.

"What?" she asked at last, aware that Ms Julian had no intention of breaking the silence.

"I don't know what's brought on this sudden…rebelliousness, but it ends here. You will do as you're told." Ms Julian said firmly. "What are you talking about?" Nicole said, baffled. "I've been going out as I please, and coming back as I please since I was 15, **_mother_**." she said, heavy emphasis on her title. "You've never been bothered before."

Ms Julian sighed impatiently.

"Do I have to spell it out to you Nicki? Do you know what it looks like? Do you want some hardnosed journalistic loser declaring in a banner headline **Politicians daughter delinquent**? Because I don't." Ms Julian finished and looked at her daughter.

Nicole's face was as calm and composed as her mothers, but her eyes glittered with anger that was not present in Ms Julian's.

"I see. It's your career." she spat. "Its always something isn't it?"

"Don't be ridiculous Nicole darling" Ms Julian said irritably.

_I'm not being ridiculous_…Nicole looked at her mother and fought back a second round of tears. _First over Brooke, now over you… Where does it end?_ Nicole thought, staring at her mother.

_Why can't you be like other peoples mothers? Why can't you care where I'm going because you're worried about me, not about your stupid career, your idiotic friends?_

Nicole looked at her mother, and resigned herself.

_What does it matter anyway_? A voice in her head said, sounding remarkably like Marley Jacobs. _Remember, you don't need or love this woman, but you have to convince her that you do. Love just gets you hurt._

A smile formed on her face and she said, "I'm sorry mother. I don't know what came over me" Nicole strained to put every ounce of sincerity into this that she could and Ms Julian was fooled.

"That's alright Nicole." she said almost warmly, and walked away.

Nicole watched her go and smirked at her back.

She laughed inwardly. _I don't know what came over me…I don't know why I ever traded in the good life…for movies with animal freaks and dates with Miss Perfect herself. _Nicole continued along this vein as she headed upstairs, successfully ignoring the voice coming from a place she didn't listen to often.

Her heart.

Brooke wiped away her tears. She stood up, checked her face in the mirror and left the bathroom. She didn't see Lilly or Nicole for the rest of the day, but squirmed uncomfortably whenever she thought of the look on Nicole's face as she left. She was dreading seeing Nicole at school the next day, and had to fight hard to refrain from running from the school, finding Nicole and taking her in her arms. Instead she thought of her parents, how they would react, what Sam and the rest of her friends would think of her. Sitting in class Brooke wrote composedly, Sam talking avidly in her ear and Miss Glass shooting them filthy glares. A whispered comment had Brooke straining to listen, as Josh and SD talked behind her.

It was about Nicole, as all conversation seemed to be lately and Brooke was sorry she was eavesdropping.

"Wonder where Nicole is? I heard she and Brooke had a fight." despite Brooke's discomfort she had to stifle a smile- these two who professed to despise gossip, were gossiping like old maids!

"Mm. Anyway Josh what do you think, we'll both do Brooke in the parking lot." Brooke gasped and the two boys turned around and met her eyes, cracking up laughing. Brooke scowled.

"Hey, that'll teach you to eavesdrop" Josh said, smiling at her. Despite herself Brooke found herself smiling back "Yeah whatever." she said, turning back around.

Going home was a chore. Brooke smiled and joked with Sam, and tried hard to push all thought of Nicole right out of her head.

Nicole lay on her bed, and looked around.

Her immaculate room, with its multiple closets and plush carpeting had amazed some people when Nicole had them over, but it was all Nicole had ever known. Her walls were devoid of photos- they wrecked the paint, and the only photo in view was one of her grandmother- a picture of a sweet old lady and a young Nicole, her eyes still innocent and not filled with anger and shame, heavier and happier. Nicole stared at it for a few moments. It was one of her favorites, a memory of a time before school, before it became a place where she was harassed and teased, and then in high school where school became…more of a deadly competition. Not for grades, or academic achievement but to be top of the pile. Nicole became more introspective, and allowed her thoughts to wander to someone she'd deliberately pushed under.

Marley Jacobs. Marley objected to photos, so Nicole didn't have any of her- not that it mattered. She remembered that girl as if she'd seen her yesterday.

_I doubt I'll ever forget her_. Nicole thought, half sadly and half sourly.

Marley had introduced an innocent Nicole to a new kind of life. Where whom you knew, whom you slept with and what you wore were more important than anything else. She introduced a naïve young girl to drugs like Speed, taught Nicole to smoke (although she quit once she realised it yellowed her teeth) helped the young girl get smashed for the very first time. Nicole blushed automatically at her next thought even though there was no one else there.

She also was the first person Nicole ever kissed.

It was at a party. Nicole was stumbling wildly, looking for Marley. She was confused, and the guys leering at her didn't help.

"Marley" she called unsteadily. There was no answer and Nicole felt tears start. She sat down automatically on a lounge and felt a hairy arm go around her. She looked at him and smelt an overwhelming stench of beer.

He leaned towards her and Nicole twisted her head away, trying to push his lecherous hands away. The guy was insistent and in her half-drunk state Nicole couldn't resist as he began pulling her away, his hand clamped over her mouth. Her eyes scanned wildly but no one at the party seemed interested, and Nicole felt fear in the pit of her stomach. Then like an angel she came. Marley Jacobs disengaged herself from her latest boyfriend and remembered belatedly that she'd left Nicole behind in the revel. Seeing Nicole's head as the boy pulled her into a room Marley followed.

She stood in the doorway of the room, hands on hips and said caustically "What the Fuck's going on here?"

"Bugger off Marley" the guy slurred. "Me and little Nicki are having some fun."

Nicole met Marley's eyes with relief and a tear fell down her cheek, making a long trail and dropping off her chin.

"That's it, get out" Marley said, dragging the guy off her.

He left reluctantly and Marley closed the door after him.

Nicole collapsed, tears escaping.

"You little idiot" Marley said "Can't I leave you alone for five minutes?"

Nicole sobbed quietly.

"Stop it. Stop crying" Marley said again.

Nicole continued to cry.

Marley sighed.

"Look Nicole Julian" she said, walking over to the bed and perching awkwardly on it.

"Are you alright? Did he kiss you? Did he hurt you?"

"Yes, no and no" Nicole said, trying to compose herself.

"Thankyou" Nicole said, looking up at Marley in admiration.

"Good" Marley said softly, looking at her friend.

Nicole could never fathom why Marley did it, but then Marley was unfathomable. Marley could read Nicole like a book, used to tell her not to be so easily read, to guard her face but that was a skill that Nicole picked up slowly.

The darkened bedroom, the music muted from the rowdy party next-door, and just Nicole and Marley sitting on a bed in silence. That was the scene that stayed with Nicole for a long time.

Marley broke the silence first for once. She looked at Nicole, a strange glint in her eyes and said.

"Have you ever been kissed before?"

Nicole hiccoughed, her tear streaked face telling Marley the answer before she even opened her mouth.

"No, I thought so" Marley answered herself, holding up one hand preventing Nicole from speaking.

"Shh" she said softly. "I'll fix that for you."

Nicole looked at her beautiful friend in confusion.

"Don't think I haven't noticed how you look at me Nicole. I don't have a problem with it…as long as you're discreet. Dykes are freaks…remember that." Marley said.

Nicole opened her mouth to protest "But I'm not a d-" but was cut off by her friend's mouth on hers.

Nicole gasped but didn't break the kiss; Marley deepened it, her tongue pushing its way into Nicole's mouth gently, before she started biting and sucking on her bottom lip. A hand on each of Nicole's shoulders was the next thing she felt, as Marley kissed her fiercely and hard for a few more seconds, before breaking the kiss and getting up. Nicole sat back on the bed, her head dizzy and thoughts reeling. She was feeling a sense of exultation on one hand, this was _Marley_.

This was her_ idol. _

On the other hand…what was happening?

Why was it happening? Nicole was drunk and it looked to her like Marley was high.

She heard a click and realised Marley had locked the door, before returning to the bed.

"Did you like that?" Marley asked, almost insecurely,

"Ye-yes" Nicole hastened to reassure her, knowing from experience how quick Marley's moods changed…and as baffling as this one was, it was still better than her 'hell hath no fury' mood.

"Good." Marley smirked at her and didn't move.

The silence extended, a dull pounding was heard on the door but whoever it was gave up quickly, assumedly off to find another place to crash in.

Nicole looked away, staring down at the bed underneath her, and so was taken by surprise as Marley advanced again, seizing her elbows and bringing her body close to her own, her soft lips meeting Nicole's equally soft ones in a kiss, pushing Nicole to the bed and bringing her hands down to Nicole's body, putting one hand underneath her shirt and letting her long manicured fingernails trail over the other girls body.

Nicole shivered and Marley grinned.

Another loud banging on the door was heard, this time much more persistent until the girls were unable to ignore it.

"What do you want?" Marley called out loudly and annoyed.

"Need the room," someone mumbled from outside.

Marley sighed loudly and impatiently.

"Fine. Don't need it anyway." she called, coming over to the bed and dragging Nicole out of it.

She pulled the other girl to her in a long slow kiss, before pushing her violently away.

"Don't tell anyone about this Nic" she whispered intensely, before unlocking the door and walking out. Nicole followed obediently, not sure whether to be disappointed or relieved that they were had been interrupted.

"You shouldn't have cried Nicole." Marley said later that night, as she dropped the younger girl off at her house.

Nicole looked at her questioningly.

"Never cry. Never. You should have slapped that guy and told him if he didn't take his paws off you you'd cut his balls off and feed them to him." Marley instructed matter-of-factly.

Nicole giggled.

How long has It been since I was ever that naïve? Nicole wondered to herself, still half lost in old memories.

_What would I do now if I were locked in a room with a pretty girl who was kissing me like that?_

Nicole shook her head. _Like I don't know. I'd fuck her._

Nicole was sad, but no tears came to her eyes. _Brooke_…she thought wistfully.

**Marley continued to 'educate' Nicole, eventually taking the 15 year olds' virginity one night at a motel. "Not a cheap one" Marley had slurred in her ear. "Never take your guy to a cheap one or he will think you're a whore. That he's in control. You have to be in control Nic" **

**The older girl took Nicole's hand and slowly brought it lower.**

**"But not with me"**

Nicole skipped those memories, not sure how she felt about them.

Running her hands distractedly through her hair Nicole went to her cupboard, needing some 'comfort food.'

She rummaged around and pulled out a bottle of vodka and a joint, which she proceeded to enjoy.

Around midnight that night, the weed was all gone and Nicole was still up, the almost empty bottle in her hand as she paced the room, talking animatedly to herself.

"What do you mean? Don't be silly dear. Don't be silly dear. Don't be silly dear. Don't be silly dear. Don't be silly dear" Nicole chanted- the words losing all meaning.

"I'm sorry mother. I don't know what came over me"

_I'm sorry mother. I don't know what came over me_

_I'm sorry mother. I know what came over me. I don't want my mother anymore. I don't want my friends anymore. You were right MJ. You're always right. Ha. I never needed anyone after you left, not till Brooke, and now she's left...ha I don't need her. Your not dead are you Marley? Of course not. You can't be._

The next afternoon Nicole hadn't improved much. She sleepwalked through school falling in and out of memories.

Lilly tried to talk to her once, but it wasn't until nearly half an hour later that Nicole realised she'd spoken.

Nicole was walking along the street having a conversation with Marley when Brooke spotted her.

Brooke had avoided Lilly all that day; the slight Latina girl seemed always on the verge of yelling out to her but never did so. She'd seen Nicole briefly in the hallway, met her eyes and had been shocked by what she saw. It was like Nicole didn't even recognize her- she didn't register.

Her eyes were blank and inward looking, and Nicole didn't say a word to anyone all day. Although Miss Glass had sniped at her for whispering to herself at random intervals during the class, Nicole hadn't even looked up.

"Nicole? Can we talk?" Brooke said uncertainly.

For a moment Nicole seemed herself again. "Something to say to McQueen? Just to help you out I'll remind you that we've already broken up and you don't need to do that again."

Brooke hesitated, tears starting. "I'm so sorry Nicole. I don't know why I said that…I didn't mean it…please." she choked out, her heart clear again. _Stuff Sam, stuff my parents, and stuff everyone else. _She thought suddenly.

"I hate you Marley!" Nicole screeched.

"What, I'm not Marley." Brooke said confused. Nicole's face had gone slack again, her eyes turned inwards and Brooke realised that Nicole didn't even hear her anymore.

"I hate you. I hate you!" Nicole screamed again, her face animated, eyes tearless and angry.

"Shh…Nicole people are staring." Brooke whispered urgently, blushing as she realised what she said. _Gah…this girl is freaking out on me…and I'm worried that people are looking at me!_

"Come on come with me" she commanded. _I have to get this off the street_ she thought. _I dont know whats wrong with you, but I'm sure you wouldn't like the whole town knowing about it._

Nicole followed her obediently for a while, her face white and strained before she stopped dead and said in a calm voice. "Why Marley?" "Why?"

Brooke didn't know what to say, or how to answer so she kept quiet, seizing Nicole's wrists and dragging her along. They got in Brooke's car and she drove them aimlessly, ending up in the park the girls had first gone on a date to.

It was lucky it was deserted because before the car had even stopped Nicole was out, running to a stone table in the middle of a field, and sitting cross-legged on it.

Brooke shivered with the cold and followed quickly.

Still lost in her dream?nightmare Nicole started tapping at the table and as Brooke approached called out to her "Marley, hurry up."

Brooke hurried, and as she approached the table saw Nicole was still talking.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to order you around. Yes you're right Marley. He is cute isn't he? No I haven't met her yet, but apparently she's sort of athletic and pretty so she'd make a good addition. Of course, nobody could replace you" Nicole added fondly, staring a little to Brookes left with a strange smile.

"Nicole, I'm not Marley" Brooke said shocked. "Please, snap out of it."

Nicole continued to talk to the dead girl and Brooke instinctively did the only thing she knew was guaranteed to shut Nicole up. She kissed her. Nicole kissed her back, but to Brooke it seemed like Nicole was kissing as if she'd never done it before. The girls continued in that position for a long time, Brooke feeling more and more guilty until Nicole's kiss changed. It became firmer, more experienced and as Brooke pulled away she realised that Nicole was herself again.

"What are you doing?" Nicole screeched.

Her mind cleared and a torrent of embarrassment overflowed into her mind. Despair foremost in her mind; Nicole decided to tell Brooke something.

"You're worse than Marley you know? At least she was truthful. She never told me that she loved me. We were never going out- she just showed me what to do to make it. She helped me. She was a bitch, and she didn't love me, but she didn't mess with my emotions either.

She knew how I felt, and she didn't feel the same but she never pretended that she did! You've got your Miss Perfect act going so hard you don't know how to stop. You don't know how to be honest about anything because you've spent your whole life just saying what you want people to hear!"

Nicole spat the last line out, and was pleased to see Brooke flinch- it'd struck home.

Brooke was staring at Nicole, a light switching on in her brain. "So…its true?" Brooke asked.

Nicole knew instinctively what she was talking about but chose not to understand.

"What's true?" she said, determined to make Brooke ask.

"You and Marley…she taught you everything…even…this"

Nicole looked at her former girlfriend, her exbest friend the beautiful blond cheerleader and sighed.

"Yes." she said simply.

Brooke was silent; she didn't know what to say.

"I loved her." Nicole admitted.

"Seems like you still do" Brooke rejoined.

"No" Nicole said quickly and sharply. "She's dead. You know that."

"I do know that. I also know," she said, smelling the mixture of alcohol and pot on Nicole's breath "That you'll kill yourself if you keep acting this way"

"Like you can talk" Nicole said bitterly. "You're the one who starved yourself almost to death"

Brooke had no reply to that admittedly true rejoinder, and could only watch as Nicole walked away again.

"I want to go out again, I'm sorry"

Brooke called after the departing girl in a desperate attempt to make her come back. Nicole didn't stop, but her reply came floating back on the wind.

"I don't." _I do love you, but I can't let you hurt me again._

That cut Brooke deeper than the biting wind, and she huddled on top of the stone table, watching Nicole walk away.

Nicole's hands shook. _From the alcohol_ she lied to herself.

Back in her room she took her jacket and shoes off and got fully clothed into the bath. Her hands fumbled around the edge of the bath until they touched something that was cold sharp steel, right where she left it. She picked it up in still shaking hands and ran her eyes along its sharp edge.

Lowering her left hand into the warm water she picked up the blade in the other hand, and placed it on her wrist.


	11. OffColour

**I thought I uploaded this. In fact I did upload this a few days ago but for some reason it didn't post, and it disappeared from my document manager.**

**That's why it's been a while between posts. Plus a little thing called life keeps interfering.**

Off-Colour 

Smiling happily Nicole stared at the tiled walls, lips moving as she talked to herself.

Her lifeblood ran silent into the bath, mingling with the warm water and changing its colour slowly.

Time passed, and Nicole waited patiently. Marley left her after a few minutes and Nicole lifted her arms from the bath and looked around for her. Blood flew from her wrists and splattered on a wall, Nicole looked at it numbly for a few seconds before comprehension dawned. She was bleeding!

"Marley where are you?" she called out instinctively, to the only person she'd ever called for help. She may have been impatient and less than sympathetic about it, but she still helped her. Marley didn't come no matter how long Nicole waited and Nicole realised she'd been abandoned, again.

"Nana?" she tried next, and for a moment that kindly old woman's face was in front of her, but as Nicole reached forward in desperation to hug her the blood from her wrists fell. It streaked across her grandmother's face, and Nana Julian gave her a disappointed look before fading from sight.

"Nan!" she screamed, her throat raw.

A floor away, Ms Julian tilted her head to one side.

_What was that noise?_

_Sounded like someone screaming_, but the sound stopped and Ms Julian turned back to her magazine.

_Do I look best with silver or gold highlights_? She wondered idly.

Reeling from the blood loss Nicole lay back in the bath, her head just above the water.

Her head slipped down until it was anchored near the taps.

_Brooke_…she thought dazedly, just before her eyes flickered shut.

Juliet Spencer had finished work and was eagerly looking forward to a shower, and then to bed. Live-in maids were a lost people, and Juliet smiled. _I'm an endangered species, one of the last of my kind. _She laughed_, as if I was a rare bird or a whale. _She stretched her back, hearing the vertebrae crack and pop_, 'I'll just check on Nicole, see if she needs anything then I'm off._

"Miss Julian" Juliet said tapping softly and entering.

Her eyes opened wide and she screamed, a sound heard throughout the house and awakening Ms Julian from her reverie. "What in the world is that?" Ms Julian exclaimed, getting to her feet and hurrying through the house to her daughter's room. Their maid dashed out of the room, colliding with her and saying "Miss Nicole's hurt herself." in a shrill voice.

"What on earth?" Ms Julian exclaimed again, watching the maid dash for a phone. She stepped into the bathroom adjoining Nicole's room and shrieked in horror. "Nicole!"

Brooke had stayed where she was for a long time, letting the wind blow her tears from her cheeks and onto the ground, drops of moisture evaporating into the expanse of yellowed grass.

Eventually she realised that she couldn't stay there all day, and got up stretching her limbs.

She climbed into her care and turned the heater on, driving out of the park and stopping in front of a café, intending to get a coffee.

A hastening torrent of thoughts exploded into her mind.

_How could I be her best friend for so long and not know these things about her. I thought I knew her so well…how could I think she would forgive me just like that?_

"Because she loves you, and you love her." a voice answered her and Brooke jumped. She'd spoken her last thought aloud. She turned to see Lilly Esposito.

"I've been looking for you or Nicole I saw your car…" Lilly looked at Brooke accusingly. "Where's Nicole?"

"When did you and her become such good friends" Brooke answered her question with another, and felt the first faint stirrings of jealousy. _Did Nic tell **you** about this_?

Lilly looked angry for a moment, then her face composed itself and she gave Brooke a half smile. "It seems you're either friends with one or friends with the other- can't I be both?" she asked.

Brooke flushed, embarrassed. "Yes- of course. I'm sorry."

"No I'm sorry" Lilly countered, "I shouldn't have started off attacking you, not exactly what a friend would do- but I've been concerned for you, and for Nicole. First there was the whole furtive phone calls and disappearing in the middle of the day stuff- but I guess I can understand that now, knowing that you two were uh…then Nicole went from closed off to happy- I saw her smile occasionally to herself" Lilly explained, "and I've never seen her do that."

Brooke blushed but stayed silent.

"And now…Nicole is so…"

"Strange?" Brooke interrupted.

"She freaked out on me," she explained as Lilly raised an eyebrow.

Brooke outlined what had happened, and Lilly gasped.

"Poor Nicole. What are you going to do?"

"Me?" Brooke asked incredulously.

"She doesn't like me, I can't do anything."

Lilly rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"Don't be ridiculous!" she cried. "Don't you love the girl? Are you so stupid you need your name inside a love heart tattooed on her forehead before you believe?"

Brooke frowned. "Just drop it Lilly alright? I don't need to be hassled right now."

"Fine" Lilly said stiffly.

Brooke got out of the car, pulled a twenty from her purse and waved it in front of Lilly's face.

"Come on, let's get some eats and drinks." Lilly followed her into the café silently.

Ms Julian stared down at the polished tile floor. She didn't raise her head for a long time.

Footsteps approached clicking briskly on the floor and Ms Julian got to her feet stiffly.

"How is my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

"She's stable madam. She'd lost a lot of blood and we've given six transfusions, so she should be alright."

Ms Julian sighed in relief.

"You can see her now, she's waking" the nurse continued, and motioned discreetly at a door.

Ms Julian seethed inwardly at the sympathetic look the nurse gave her, and her artificial smile seemed faker than normal, like a piece of plastic covered in sugar.

She stepped inside her daughter's room and stared down at Nicole's pale body.

The girl had inherited her mothers blond hair and eyes, and it was on those that Ms Julian focused first, checking to see if Nicole was awake. She wasn't, and so Ms Julian let her eyes trail over Nicole's body. Her skin was so pale she almost blended with the starched white sheets, and the white bandages around her wrists seemed huge and chunky in comparison to her slender wrists.

Ms Julian turned to leave when a faint voice stopped her "Mum?" Nicole whispered.

Ms Julian turned around. "Nicole" she said flatly.

"Mother." Nicole said, "You're here."

"Yes." Ms Julian snapped. Her eyes flashed angrily at Nicole, and she spat her next sentence out with venom.

"You little idiot, how could you do this to me!"

Nicole stared at her dazedly, feeling as though her store of sarcasm had drained away entirely.

"What?" she said softly, hardly wanting an answer. For one long moment Ms Julian was silent and Nicole was able to deceive herself that her mother had come because she cared about her.

"This can't be happening" Ms Julian said, unconsciously echoing her daughters thoughts.

The woman started to pace erratically. "This is some kind of payback for making you go to church isn't it? Why are you trying to ruin my aspirations?" Ms Julian asked Nicole angrily.

Nicole lay there silently_. Nothing really to say to that is there_? She thought to herself.

"Nothing to say for yourself?" Ms Julian asked.

Nicole gasped painfully and tried to sit up. Ms Julian said sharply "No, don't move. You'll hurt yourself." her voice softened and again Nicole thought she heard a note of concern.

_Or am I just fooling myself?_

"And now you are going to explain yourself" Ms Julian said coldly.

Nicole turned her head away. _What's to explain_? "I was just listening to Marley, _Mother" _Nicole said, feeling a rush of energy as she spoke her name and saw her mothers incredulous look.

"Marley? Isn't she that cheerleader friend of yours…but she's dead…" Ms Julian trailed off. "Cut the crap Nicole," she shouted suddenly, making Nicole jump and causing pain to shoot through both her arms.

"I don't know what you're trying to prove with this shit but it won't work with me" Miss Julian said furiously, the curse word sounding foreign on her lips.

Nicole looked away.

"Shut-up" she said half-heartedly. "I'm not in the mood for your 'I'm a socialite and my daughter is a delinquent' mode." Nicole's eyes widened at her daring. _I've wanted to say that for a long time._

Ms Julian looked furious. She swelled visibly, and said bitterly "You little trollop. What did I ever do to deserve a slut like you"?

_Have sex, 17 years ago. _Nicole answered silently

"Answer me!"

A nurse looked in briefly but quailed under the glare Ms Julian thought at her and withdrew hastily.

"Answer me Goddamn it!"

"No." Nicole said softly and ironically. Her blue eyes filled with tears and she stared down at her pillow, trying to will them away.

"Oh my god. I had no idea"

Brooke spoke into her mobile for a while longer then hung up, her face worried.

"What's wrong?" Lilly asked. "Has something happened?"

"The maid told me…Nic's in hospital."

The girls got up from the table; coffee's untouched and exited the room.

It seemed strange how much time lately had been spent in the hospital and Lily automatically headed for the ward Brooke had been in before realizing what she was doing and heading to reception. "Excuse Me," she said to the middle-aged man behind the counter. "Could you help us out?"

Brooke watched Lily talk to the receptionist, silently telling her to hurry up.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Lilly asked as they headed for the stairs.

"Maybe this should wait, give her a chance to calm down."

Brooke looked at her incredulously. "Calm down? She tried to kill herself! This is all my fault!"

Lily looked at her dubiously. "This isn't your fault Brooke. You told me what happened, she…she was talking to _Marley_," she emphasized.

Brooke's face showed disbelief. "You think she's crazy don't you?" Brooke challenged.

Lily just looked at her, saying nothing.

"She's not." Brooke said firmly, and then her face became perplexed. "Marley…there's something going on there, but she's not crazy. She was just…a bit confused."

Lily took pity on her "I know, she's not crazy. Just…a bit…" Lily adopted a British accent

"A bit off colour"

**Can I just say I hate the way they've changed the format of **


	12. Get Out

"Nicole…if you won't talk to me I'm going to take action."

Nicole continued staring dispiritedly at her.

"I won't let you continue this. I never wanted you to go to a public high school. I knew I should have sent you to boarding school. Its too late for that now but there are other places!" From outside the click of Ms Julian's high heels was clearly audible.

"Stop staring at me like that!" Ms Julian cracked.

Lily looked at Brooke, eyes wide. Brooke didn't meet her eyes, but listened and when she didn't hear Nicole answer grabbed the door handle in front of her and wrenched the door open.

"Nicole" she said.

Ms Julian stopped mid tirade and turned around but Brooke's eyes were solely on the figure lying still in the bed in front of them.

"Young lady, you are not permitted to be in here, family members only" Ms Julian said icily.

"I'm here to see Nicole, _Ms_ Julian, and if I were you I'd stop yelling at your daughter while she's in hospital."

Ms Julian flushed red and scowled. "Don't tell me how to speak to my daughter."

Nicole watched Brooke and her mother argue for a few moments then switched her gaze to Lilly who was alternating glances at Brooke and Nicole's mother and Nicole herself.

"Esposito. How nice it must be for you, all this time spent in the hospital" Nicole said sharply.

Lily looked startled. "How are you Nicole?" she asked feeling foolish.

"Fine." Nicole said. "Just fine."

The two girls stared helplessly at each other, not sure what to say.

Nicole turned her head and saw the Brooke and her mother were still arguing.

"Shut-up the pair of you!" she said hoarsely.

They froze and turned to face her, her mother scowling furiously.

"Get out both of you." she demanded.

"Wha-?"

"What?"

"Get out right now." She repeated, eyes flashing and pushed a button next to her bed.

A nurse entered the room.

"Get out" Nicole said again, starting to cough.

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to go now." The nurse said politely.

Ms Julian left immediately and Brooke followed, staring in disbelief at Nicole.

Lily stayed where she was at the side of Nicole's bed and a long silence fell.

**I feel sick. Someone review please,I know this chapter doesn't deserve it but I need some cheerfulness.**


	13. We've never Met

Nicole smiled again, a sickly sweet, intrinsically insincere smile.

"You too MacQueen." She ordered. Brooke stuck her head in the door again.

"I want to talk to you." Brooke said forcefully, coming to her side.

Nicole sat up, and dropped her smile. "I'm not interested. Not interested if you love me, not interested if you hate me." she held up a hand when it looked like Brooke would interrupt.

"Either you are here to…moralize on what I've done or you are here to ever so graciously apologize and beg me to forgive you. Right? Well guess what, I don't need a sermon and you are forgiven. Now piss off."

Brooke pursed her mouth angrily. "Why are you choosing now to get worried about what you are?" she demanded angrily.

Nicole laughed bitterly. "You think if you were a guy I'd be crying and getting ready to sleep with you about now? It's not that. Besides" and here her face went red with anger. "You aren't exactly leaping to announce yourself to the world are you?

You've got Lilly, waiting frightened by the doorway- she accepts you because she's like you. But your friends, your fricken stepsister and the rest of your posse, what would they thing of you?"

Brooke stepped back a pace, her face uncertain.

"Exactly." Nicole continued. "You are ashamed of me. And now I've given you a reason to be. I'm crazy. So go, just leave. Go find the footballer you dumped me for, purge your conscience and forget I ever existed."

Nicole turned away. "As far as I'm concerned" she muttered "We've never met."


	14. After Anger, comes Calculation

The door shut behind Brooke and Nicole looked down at her hands.

"Well, Esposito, you're still here even though I gave you ample reason to take off, so I gather you have something to say?"

Lily half-laughed, then sat down beside her bed. "No, not really. I thought I'd see if you wanted to talk."

"Or capable of it?" Nicole said wryly.

Lily blushed. "Well, you were a bit…you know."

Nicole waved her hands airily; catching sight of the thick bandages, she dropped them again. "Well I don't have anything to say. What is there to say? I am here; I want to be out of here, the end."

Nicole lay back in bed as Lily left, needing to go home and start dinner for her mother. _Well, what do I do now?_ _Hope Queeny and Esposito know how to keep their mouths shut. _

……………

The aide that bustled in with Nicole's late lunch gave her a look of mingled pity and fascination. She set down her tray, and patted Nicole on the shoulder sympathetically. Nicole jerked backwards out of her reach and gave the 'idiot woman' her best glare, usually saved for guys that got too persistent, and people who tried to be friends.

_Soon it'll be time for the shrink._

_Ah yes, here he is, right on time. Probably well paid by mother dearest to forget my name, and her name. After all, a future senator couldn't be mixed up in anything like this. _

The man who entered the room straight after the flustered aide left was tall, thin and weedy. He looked young, except for the thick lines around his eyes, and the sparse beard. He smiled at Nicole, showing gleaming white teeth. "Hello Nicole." He said in a smooth voice. It was evenly modulated, _probably_, Nicole thought, _practiced, not wanting to alarm his patients._

"I thought we could have a bit of a chat, if that's okay?" he sat down without waiting for her reply, and Nicole sat back up again, feeling ridiculously exposed lying in a bed whilst people talked to her. "I've got a better idea," Nicole said, trying out a smile on him. "How about you go and get yourself some lunch, maybe a coffee and I'll make sure you get paid anyway."

The man smiled at her. "I don't think so Nicole. You and I need to have a little chat, and I wouldn't want to leave before we even get started!"

Nicole rolled her eyes. "It's Miss Julian then." She snapped.

The man's face grew grave. "I am Doctor Edwards, and **_Nicole_**, you and I are to have a chat."

"Fine." Nicole Julian knew when she was in a bind, and stuck in a hospital bed with slashed wrists was a slight hindrance to what she wanted to do, which was belt the smarmy smile off this idiot's face.

The first question, predictably enough, was 'How do you feel?'

"Uncomfortable." Nicole replied tersely.

"And why is that?"

"Hospital beds are shite."

"How do you feel, **_emotionally_**…" he stretched the word out, rolling it on his tongue.

"Bored shitless." Nicole said crudely.

"Hardly a young ladies' choice of words." Doctor Edwards simpered. He laced his finger together delicately and cocked his head, looking at Nicole as though waiting for an apology.

Nicole turned her head away, determined to ignore him.

She woke up an hour and a half later, shamefaced.

_I fell asleep!_ _I just fell asleep whilst some doctor sat there and stared at me!_

Nicole glanced down at her wrists again, and noted for herself the pallor of her skin.

_Someone will pay for this. _She resolved

_Someone will pay for everything. Brooke, Sam, all of them. I fell off the top for a while, and I thought I didn't need it when I was with Brooke…but I was wrong._

_I'm going to make some lives miserable… Hell on Earth._

_

* * *

_

_I tried to kill the pain  
But only brought more  
I lay dying  
And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
Am I too lost to be saved  
Am I too lost?_

Nicole was surprised by a phone call later, just before dinner. Lilly called to see how she was.

"I'm fine. Shrink came. Little bastard, no balls." She summarized.

Lilly laughed, hiccupping as she did so. Nicole stopped laughing. The last time her and Brooke spoke on the phone, Brooke did that same thing.

She stopped listening as Lilly said something about her evening, coming back to life just in time to hear Lilly ask, "Are you still there Nicole?"

"Yes." Nicole said flatly. "I am going now." She hung up on Lilly's protesting voice.

_Brooke…how could you do this? Is this payback for what I did to you?_

An onlooker would have seen her face contorted into a ferocious scowl.

_How dare you do this to me? I am a Julian! I do the dumping!_

Suddenly, Nicole remembered something Brooke said. **"I still love you."**

_Still love me? Maybe I **will** have the chance to break you in two._

Doctor Edwards dropped in again after dinner, but Nicole sent him away with a few scornful words and a casual, sexual harassment claim. _The one way to get the professional man _she thought complacently, watching him leave.

_Short of **actually** sleeping with/being harassed by one._

Nicole pressed the call button and waited, not too patiently for a nurse to arrive.

"I want to speak to my doctor, and I am leaving tomorrow morning." She said imperiously.

The nurse sighed. Aged in her late forties, she was used to dealing with troublesome patients, but something about this petite blonde warned her.

Pretty, obviously wealthy, this girl seemed to have it all. Yet she'd apparently suffered a psychotic incident and taken a razor blade, or something, to her delicate wrists. _Spoiled_ _kids_. Nurse Rose thought, stifling another sigh and going to page Miss Julian's doctor. The platinum credit card flashed around by the (mother?) on arrival had ensured that this particular patient got the best treatment.

The next morning, Nicole was checked out, walking slowly from the front entrance of the hospital to a waiting cab she'd called from her room. Apparently, Ms Julian was at a PR do all day in the north. Nicole couldn't decide how she felt about that. It'd been years since she'd expected anything in the way of real parental love from her mother, but she couldn't suppress the childish wish that she could have a hug. She stared out the window, covered up in a long sleeved jacket and jeans. She glanced in the mirror and caught her driver checking her out as they waited in traffic.

_I bet he'd give me a hug…but I want the kind that comes without hard-on's and a pubic mustache. Should flash my wrists at him. Nobody wants a crazy girl._

She handed him two twenties, dismissed the change with a wave of one hand and headed up the driveway towards her house. She shuffled inside. The house was quiet, although Nicole assumed that the usual cleaners were somewhere about. The house cleaner they had was forced to sign a confidentiality agreement, given a generous bonus and dismissed. All in two days. _Mother works fast. _Nicole thought, seeing the empty room as she passed on the way to her own. The chauffeur, who also acted as butler, and gardener followed her down the hallway, carrying her bag. Nicole entered her room, back straight, head up. _No slouching in front of the help. _Nicole parodied her mother. "Would you like anything Mademoiselle?" their American chauffer said in a bad French accent. Nicole smiled. John always tried to make her laugh.

"Maybe a drink?" she said, crossing over to her bed. John nodded and left. Nicole collapsed onto her palatial bed and was asleep before he returned.

_Do you remember me, lost for so long  
Will you be on the other side, or will you forget me?  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
Am I too lost to be saved  
Am I too lost?_


	15. Sam gets physical

Nicole went back to school with more than a hint of trepidation. Despite her determination, if people knew what she'd done…well crazy people are rarely popular. However, when she reached her locker with barely a glance thrown her way Nicole realised she must still be safe.

She checked her lip-gloss in the mirror, adjusted her long sleeves and slammed the door shut.

Brooke was standing there.

"Something wrong B?"

Brooke looked startled. "Are you okay?"

Nicole grinned at her patronisingly.

She looked around, wide-eyed and said in a stage whisper,

"People will see you. Careful, Spam will get you for that comment!"

Brooke looked alarmed and belatedly, Nicole realised why.

"No, this is not insane Nic. Do you remember normal Nic? This is her."

"There was never a normal Nicole…" Brooke said.

"Thanks a lot B- makes me feel great." Nicole said sarcastically.

"There was only ever a fantastic Nic." Brooke whispered, looking Nicole in the eye and then turning around, heading towards her next class.

Nicole swallowed hard. _What the fuck?_

Harrison and Sam passed her on their way to class. Sam shot her a poisonous look whilst Harrison studiously avoided her eyes.

Nicole entered the class and sat in her usual spot, beside Brooke. Brooke shot her a startled look, and Sam seemed about to launch into a tirade when the teacher came in. Nicole glanced to one side as she took notes lazily and said,

"Don't get the wrong idea B. This is my seat. Move if you like."

Brooke muttered back "What's up in that head of yours?"

"Obviously that statement gave you the impression you had the right to pry into my business." Nicole adjusted her book so it wasn't touching Brooke's desk, aware that that was slightly juvenile. "You are mistaken."

"How can you do this?" Brooke lowered her voice. "I love you."

"Girls! Would you kindly stop talking and turn to page 10." The Maths teacher glared. Nicole sneered at him, more to cover up the expression on her face when she'd processed what Brooke had said. Her heart was beating faster. _Stop it Nicole. Things can't go back, they can never go back. You ran her over. She toyed with your heart and then dumped you. She thinks you're insane; she pities you, that's why she's doing this. _

After class, Nicole walked out, followed, to her surprise, by Mary Cherry.

"Problem Mary Cherry?" she said at last as the Texan showed no signs of abandoning her side.

"W-ell," she said lazily, "Brookie seems to have gone soft on you, and you were mah best friend Nicky, so ah thought ah'd give you the pleasure of mah company, once again."

Nicole clenched her jaw and remained silent, but allowed the ditzy blond to follow her around anyway, Mary Cherry seeming to enjoy being back in her old position. At last, in the middle of a monologue about J-Lo, in which Nicole recognized her own opinions, spouted out by the other girl: "If I ah had an ass that size, I wouldn't be out in public",

Nicole snapped. "Okay Cherry, time to shut it."

The other girl shut it.

At lunch, caught in the spell of normality that Mary Cherry's presence weaved over her, Nicole headed automatically for her usual table. Then she stopped. Brooke, Sam, Harrison and Carmen were sitting there. Mary Cherry kept going, obviously that's where she sat but she turned back and gave Nicole an inquisitive look. _Idiot_. Nicole thought, anger and amusement combined_. Can't that girl keep more than one thought in her head at a time?_

Nicole stalked out of the cafeteria and towards her car, and a voice floated after her. "Nicole?" it called, teasingly.

Nicole fumbled her keys, dropped them, tried again, and dropped them again.

"Damnit!" she bent for her keys again. A shadow fell over her.

Nicole stood up straight, the keys in her hand.

"Satan. Where are you running to?" Samantha Macpherson has been unable to resist. She'd spotted a strange look on the blonde's face as she fled the cafeteria, and, unable to resist, followed her. Any excuse to rile the other girl up.

"Haven't you somewhere to be, Spam? Washing your hair perhaps?"

Sam reached out and grabbed her wrist, hard, trying to prevent the other girl from retreating.

Nicole screamed, dropping her keys and pulled back, Sam was shocked to see tears starting in her eyes.

She pulled both arms up to her chest, sharp pain shooting up her arms where Sam's strong fingers had touched her. She shut her eyes for half a second, the pain blinding, then opened them again. Sam stared at her with suspicion.

"What?" Sam demanded, "What have you done to your arms?"


	16. Two to go

Nicole had run again, only this time it wasn't away. She ran back into school, aware the journalist was following her, aware that she looked utterly ridiculous. She flew down the corridors, thankfully fairly empty due to the fact it was still lunchtime, her wrists held to her chest. Eventually she found the room she wanted and slipped inside. It was a deserted classroom, thick with dust and full of old TV's and projectors. It was where old school junk went to die, basically. Wrinkling her nose at the dust, she sat down carefully.

Slowly, she peeled back her long sleeves. The white bandages underneath were stained deep reddish brown and fresh blood leaked from beneath the bandage. "Shit." She muttered, looking around for something to wipe the blood away with.

"Here." Brooke stood in the doorway, holding a tissue.

Nicole flushed, hiding her arms instinctively behind her back.

"Bugger off."

Brooke took another step forward and Nicole took several back, banging the back of her legs into some old desks. Her arms were still behind her back. Brooke looked at her solemnly, put the tissues down on a desk and backed out of the room, shutting it gently behind her. Nicole watched her go, before grabbing the tissues.

Carefully, she cleaned her left arm, rewrapping it and pulling her sleeve over it.

She checked her watch. Ten minutes till class.

Her left arm ached, and as she started to clean the blood off her right arm she stopped, head spinning and arm aching. She tried to use her right hand, but bending it hurt too much and she soon stopped, watching the blood dry in patterns on her arm.

She sat on a desk, ignoring the possible dust issues on her dark pants.

The door opened again, almost silently, the noise muffled.

Cold fingers touched her arm gingerly, then more firmly. A firm, cold hand took the tissues from her grasp and wiped carefully at her arm. Nicole looked up, the room having stopped spinning at last, at blond hair and clear, solemn eyes.

"Brooke." She said, neutrally as possible.

"Nicky…" Brooke replied, helping her re-wrap her arm.

The bell rang. Nicole eased her arm out of Brooke's grasp and pulled her sleeve down over the bandages. Brooke reached out and smoothed out a wrinkle on her arm. Nicole flinched automatically, watching Brooke's hand through wide blue eyes.

She exhaled loudly to break the spell the other girl seemed to cast over her, stood up and picked up her bag. Brooke stood frozen for a few seconds before she moved to follow her. Nicole put her hand on the doorknob, and glancing back over her shoulder asked "Please don't mention this to anyone. Especially Spam."

Brooke nodded dumbly and waited for the other girl to leave, following after a few seconds.

Brooke drove, talking on her cell phone.

"She's not home? Okay, well thanks anyway. No don't worry about it."

She hung up.

Lily, from her seat next to Brooke made a noncommittal noise. "She's probably just…" she trailed off.

"She has no friends. What could she possibly be doing?" Brooke pointed out.

Lily raised an eyebrow. "She's Nicole Julian- she's probably making friends."

"Yeah, 'friends', I'm sure."

"What's your problem?" Lily asked at last, hearing the bitter tinge to Brooke's voice.

"First you are worried about her, than you're upset, then you don't care; now you're angry? Make up your mind how you feel about this girl, okay?

There was silence in the car for a few seconds.

"How am I supposed to feel?" Brooke exploded, slamming on the brakes and pulling over to the side of the road. She turned to face Lily, angrily gripping the wheel with one hand.

"She hit me with her car! She tried to come on to my father! She's been horrible to me ever since she got out of hospital!"

Lily stayed quiet. It was all undeniable.

Brooke dropped her voice. "But she's so sad. She's hurting herself as much as she is me. And I love her. I haven't been a saint myself since the accident."

"Really?" Lily asked after a pause, ignoring the last sentence for the moment. "Or do you feel sorry for her? She thinks you do. That's why she's pushing you away."

Brooke ducked her head. "I don't. I could never. Even when she's at her worst, there's something I've always admired about her. When she's sad, she still has this light about her. Sometimes she makes me so angry I can't see straight, but I never ever wanted her to just stop. Stop talking. Stop everything."

**The next chapter is already written, I'm just not in the habit of double posting. Anyone want to read it? Anyone want to comment on the story so far? Click 'review'.**

Next chapter: A reconciliation, a public confrontation, and two girls walk out of class, hand in hand.


	17. Proving It

_Dark and dangerous like a secret_

_That gets whispered in a hush_

_When I wake the things I dreamt about you_

_Last night make me blush_

_And you kiss me like a lover_

_Then you sting me like a viper_

_I go follow to the river_

_Play your memory like a piper_

_And I feel it like a sickness_

_How this love is killing me_

_I'd walks into the fingers_

_Of your fire willingly_

_And dance the edge of sanity_

_I've never been this close_

_I'm in love with your ghost_

_-Indigo Girls- Ghost_

Days continued to pass in a steady blur that was both long and monotonous, and short and sweet. Brooke hung with her friends, laughed, played games, studied, and enjoyed the last few weeks of her high school life. She also dreamed. Sometimes, they were of the car accident, of her body striking the ground, or of the sterile white hospital bed she'd lay in. Sometimes they were of tears and fighting and vulnerability in someone she'd thought was hard almost all the way through.

Sometimes they were happy dreams. Of that day in the park, of offering soda and being given wine, of wind tunnel hair and kisses in the car. Those dreams made her cry. She'd wake in the morning, and wash her tearstained face in the bathroom. Sam watched her curiously from her own room, a faint hint of sadness on her face.

For Nicole, the days passed at much the same rate. Her wrists itched as they healed, and she garnered some odd looks for wearing sleeves in summer, but all in all the days were much the same as the other. No dreams. No conversations. A rising sense that she had cracked, that she was broken in some fundamental way. She went to church with her mother; she stayed at home at night, at school her only companion was Mary Cherry and they barely exchanged a word, instead Nicole followed her around listening to the Texan's monologues.

She and Mary Cherry hung out in class, between classes, all the time but lunch, where Mary Cherry abandoned her to sit with Brooke.

Nicole couldn't work it out. The Texan wanted to be her friend, and she surely must have realised by now that Nicole was never going to follow her, sit between her and Brooke and chat about fashion, movie stars and local gossip as they used to, but still she persisted.

Maybe the other girl just lived in hope.

Despite the scenes with Sam, the pointed silence between Brooke and Nicole, Mary Cherry hadn't asked either of her friends what was going on. Nicole grinned wryly. Maybe M.C was practicing the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy.

Besides, how would she explain this, this thing that had gone on between them?

Nicole scowled. _I wouldn't explain. I'd just tell her to shut up. Brooke would sigh, and frown, and wrinkle her brow and politely tell her that she didn't want to talk about it._

_Is that how we're different? I'm rude, she's polite? Politely breaking my heart. Rudely running her over._

Nicole laughed bitterly, an edge of real mirth in her voice as she imagined being lectured for impolitely running over a girl.

She ran perfectly manicured fingernails over the keyboard in front of her and glanced around. The mandatory senior computer course at least gave them a class without Miss Glass, which was a plus. However, the new computer teacher, a tall thin young man with wire frame glasses was staring at her. "Something to say, um, Nicole, was it?"

Nicole glared at him for a moment before she realised what must have caught his intention. Various facial contortions followed by a bitter laugh.

_Well fuck him. _

She turned a dazzling smile on him, watching the effect it had with satisfaction. From the corner of her eyes, she noticed Brooke shooting her a sharp look. "No, sir." She said innocently.

Lily, who'd become something of a friend also, looked between Brooke and Nicole curiously.

The class ended, and Nicole, instead of making her way out, made her way to the front of the room. She placed a hand on the Mr James' wrist. He looked down at her in surprise. Brooke hesitated by the door, but eventually left, called by her friends. In the deserted classroom, touching his arm, Nicole smiled. Part of her wondered why she felt nothing, not even the mix of triumph and scorn she usually felt when hooking up with a guy. A few minutes later, clinically evaluating his kissing skills, she wondered why she couldn't just get lost in it. Mr James'-

"Call me Robert" -moaned into her mouth, and his hands reached for the buttons of her shirt.

He was hot, for a teacher, in that slightly nerdy Clark Kent way, his breath smelt like mint, and she was suddenly sure that he had the stamina- but he didn't get her excited.

She pulled away first, and teased him softly. "Careful Mr James', you could lose your job if someone walked in on us."

Panic flared in his brown eyes and she smiled to reassure him, placing a finger to her lips.

Outside, M.C waited. The girls walked side by side to the car park, and Nicole drove the other girl home, as she'd been doing ever since Mary Cherry had started speaking to her again.

Brooke had parked next to her ex best friend one day, and commented as Nicole was getting into her car. "That's nice of you."

Nicole rolled her eyes, slammed the door to her car and drove away.

Dating Robert felt like revenge, and it made her feel guilty. Not only for Brooke's sake, but for the man himself. He looked at her like she was special, and she felt nothing.

Robert turned to her and said softly. "Pretty girl. Like an angel."

Nicole looked at him. He was serious, slightly embarrassed. The concern in his dark eyes, the affection, suddenly made her nervous. "What's wrong?" his voice was full of real concern, and it touched something inside the Satan.

She didn't mean it, and she regretted it for its power to make her suddenly younger in this boy/man's eyes, but she cried. Real tears, like she hadn't in weeks, since she tried to die. And before that, she didn't cry because the devil doesn't cry. Satan cares for no one.

Robert held her hand as she cried and Nicole let him because it was easier than getting angry and much easier than causing a scene in a public café. Eventually, she subsided, and Robert let go of her hand, sitting up. "You want a coffee?" he offered. She nodded, and as he left, gave him a faint smile. _Men. Bet he thinks this is a sex thing._

When the two sat across from each other at a table, sipping coffee, he met her eyes. "Did I do something wrong?"

Nicole smiled. "All this is very wrong. Illegal in fact." She said flippantly. He smiled, white teeth gleaming, set in a strong jaw. Nicole reappraised her original assessment of him. **_Hot_**.

But not for her. She decided reluctantly. However good in bed, however good looking, she couldn't deny that she felt nothing for him but a vague amusement and, surprisingly, affection. Like he was a friend, and not just a fuck-buddy.

"This was a one off." Nicole blurted.

"I'm sorry?"

"I mean, I'm not having a thing with you." she stated firmly.

"We're just having coffee."

"I know, but not again. Okay? This didn't happen."

"Why?"

Maybe there was truth juice in the coffee that he poured, or maybe Nicole was just sick of trying to hide it from herself. "I'm in love with someone."

He tried to hide the hurt in his eyes, but eventually he let it show. "Why aren't you with them then? Don't try to tell me they don't want you- I won't believe it."

"Because I hate them too much."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Study hall was poorly supervised. Bio Glass was watching videos in her office, and the class talked quietly and passed notes. Brooke steeled herself, and Nicole got a note on her desk.

_Nic, don't you care for me?_

**Don't be ridiculous.**

_Please Nicole I'm sorry._

**I don't need a girlfriend who pities me.**

_I think you are pitying yourself enough for the both of us_.

Nicole looked up from the note and caught Brooke's eye. There was silence between them for a moment, and Brooke looked worried, then Nicole grinned.

**I knew you were in there somewhere Queen B.**

_I love you, you know._

**I don't know. You saying it don't make it so. When we were hiding ourselves, sneaking picnics in distant parks, you loved me. Or you said. **

_This is where I have to call bullshit. You were scared too. _

**Of Spam? Samantha Macpherson? I don't think so.**

_I don't know what of, but if you had insisted, I would have told people._

**Bullshit. And I wasn't scared.**

_What were you then?_

**None of your fucking business.**

_Can't you tell me how you feel then?_

_  
_Outside the classroom, Mr James' paused in the doorway. He caught Nicole's eye. She smiled sadly at him and he nodded politely, before continuing on his way. She watched him go, half wistful, and caught Brooke's eye. The other girl looked jealous, and sad, and for the first time, Nicole resisted the urge to smirk, to flaunt her freedom in front of her ex best friend/girl friend. She looked at Brooke, and then glanced down at wrists where faded scars were concealed with makeup, and back up at the blonde who looked even skinnier than usual, pale, and tired.

_If I ever loved her, I owe her the truth. _She thought to herself, and began to reply.

**I can't explain Brooke-love.**

**Yes, I love you. But I hate you too. I hate that I hurt you, and that I've got guilt forever now. I can't be anything but your equal and now I never will be. I hate that you chose the stepslut over me, and I hate that part of me would have done the same. Well, no, I'd choose anyone over Sam, but you know what I mean. I…you saw what I was like. I'm messed up. I got high, I hallucinated, and I tried to kill myself. **

_What about what I did to you? Can't that cancel out what you did to me? Can't we have a clean slate from here on? We're almost adults, almost out of high school. As for choosing Sam over you, it isn't that simple. She's my stepsister, I have to get along with her, but I should have told her about us. I'm sorry I was ashamed but I'm not anymore. And I don't pity you. You have this energy, this force that draws me to you. Even when you're sad, even when you're angry, I want to be near you. I'm not ashamed of you. _

**Prove it.**

In the quiet atmosphere of the room, Nicole, seated in behind Brooke, caught her calm statement to Lily who sat next to her.

"Hey Lilly. I got something to tell you, but don't get the wrong idea. I'm in love.

Not with you. With Nicole."

Lily, who'd been drinking from a bottle of water choked, spat water all over her desk and started a fit of coughing.

"Smooth Lils." Harrison teased.

Samantha, who sitting on the other side of Brooke, somehow missed all of this barring Lily's sudden attack of conspicuousness. She laughed, and, noticed the note.

**Prove it. **

She glanced up at Brooke, who wasn't looking at her, and scanned to near the top of the note, where a few lines jumped out at her.

**I knew you were in there somewhere Queen B.**

_I love you, you know._

**I don't know. You saying it don't make it so. When we were hiding ourselves, sneaking picnics in distant parks, you loved me. Or you said. **

Sam felt like her heart stopped. With a sinking heart, she recognised Brooke's handwriting, and identified the other as well. She remembered Brooke crying in the mornings, scrubbing her face in the bathroom. She remembered coming upon them near Satan's car, Brooke apologizing for something…she remembered a certain amount of fear in both girls' faces, and she remembered Nicole screaming when she grabbed her sleeved arms.

Sam looked up, and met Nicole Julian's cold blue eyes. The blond was glaring at her, pouring malice into her eyes. Despite herself, Sam flinched, and looked away. Brooke glanced down, and snatched the note from Sam's grasp. "Samantha!" she gasped. "That's private."

"A private declaration of love." Sam said, not loud, not softly, anger under every word.

Lily leaned over. "Shut up Sam." She hissed.

Sam looked at her friend with betrayal in her eyes. "So you know about this, do you?"

Brooke death stared her stepsister.

"About what. There's nothing to know." She said firmly.

Nicole let out a loud exhalation, and in a disappointed tone said, "The end."

Brooke heard the layers of meaning, heard in her voice the doors slamming between them, and made a decision.

Brooke met her eyes.

"No. this is none of their business, but I won't hide behind that anymore."

"What's going on?"

Everyone was standing, and the teacher was still away. Sam, Carmen, and Harrison stood facing Nicole. Lily stood off to the side, obviously torn, with Brooke still sitting at her seat, eyes on Sam. Mary Cherry, eventually noticing the standoff, wandered up, asking in her dreamy way, "What's going ahn?"  
Everyone ignored her and she went to stand near Brooke, reasoning with her curious logic that whatever it was, Brooke had to be right. She was the best dressed and used moisturizer.

"What you read, it's true." Brooke said. She stood, and walked to Nicole's side, standing so close their shoulders brushed. Nicole stared at her in surprise, stunned into silence.

Not Sam though.

"Oh my god." She said with disgust. "Nicole Julian? Satan Incarnate?"

"What? What did you read? What's going on?" Carmen asked.

"I didn't want this to be so…awkwardly public a declaration…" Brooke said uncertainly,

"In fact you didn't want a declaration at all…" Nicole chipped in cheekily.

"But I'm well, I'm in love."

Aghast, the three friends stared, Harrison checking a leer. Mary Cherry, who hadn't picked up on the undercurrents, asked chirpily "With who Brookie?" and Lily hid a grin at the contrast between the Brooke of old and this new one.

Brooke was red, not looking at any of them, but not Nicole. She found a bit of her old spirit, and flashed a grin at three losers opposite her. "Lucky me, huh?"

Then, casually, she took Brooke's hand, and the two walked out, leaving a classroom full of shocked, angry and amused students, and one teacher, who having returned to hear the last words of Nicole, was far too shocked to stop them from leaving.


End file.
